Don't believe anything I say anymore

My Influences

2009-03-01T21:04:00.000-08:00

I saw this really intriguing note going around on facebook and it got me thinking. What are the 25 albums that have most influenced my life. Before I post the names of the albums and why they're important to me, I have to make a few points.

-Surprisingly, no Led Zeppelin. Now, don't get me wrong, I love them, but for this list, it just didn't seem right to put them on there. Shooter Jennings also falls into this category. And John Mayer.

-This took way longer than I expected it to.

-They are in no particular order. However, near the top they are probably more important than others.

Without further adieu, here it is:

1. Emery- The Weak's End

-This album jump-started my love for Emery, which is unbelievably deep. Songs like Fraction, By All Accounts (Today Was a Disaster), Ponytail Parade, and Disguising Mistakes With Goodbyes have been great companions while driving.

2. Anberlin- Cities

-Cities was Anberlin fulfilling their tremendous potential. There isn't a bad song on the album. It also produced The Haunting which is an amazing b-side. Dismantle.Repair. and Alexithymia came along at a time when I needed them personally and have stuck with me really well.

3. Mat Kearney- Nothing Left to Lose

-I'm sure I've given every compliment to this album in one form or another at some point. It is an amazing album and every song has a deep meaning for me. It's definitely one I couldn't live without.

4. Augustana- All the Stars and Boulevards

-Boston intrigued me right off the bat and the rest of the album picked up where it left off. Hotel Roosevelt and Sunday Best are just great songs. The whole album has a east vs. west/ opposite feel to it. Different from a lot of albums.

5. Matchbox 20- Yourself or Someone Like You

-One of the first CDs I ever bought and I got made fun of in elementary and middle school for it. I doubt I will ever stop listening to the album though. Hang, Push, and Back 2 Good are classic songs.

6. The Shins- Oh, Inverted World

-This is part of the Zach Braff effect. It opened up the world of indie rock for me and I doubt I will ever look back.

7. Relient K- mmhmm

-I spent years telling people that Relient K was way more brilliant than they were letting on and this album proved it. Just a great album all around.

8. Emery- The Question

- No sophomore slump with Emery. As a whole, The Question is an amazing album. While it doesn't have all the magic that The Weak's End had, it is solid all the way around and the production is amazing.

9. Tyler Burkum- Darling, Maybe Someday

-I love Tyler Burkum because he writes simple, honest songs that I can relate to. He writes beautiful songs and I can't recommend his music highly enough.

10. Foo Fighters- In Your Honor

-It's probably wrong to put this ahead of The Colour and the Shape, but I'm doing it anyway. 20 great songs. It can't get much better.

11. Augustana- Can't Love, Can't Hurt

-This album is working it's way up the list quickly. The beauty of their music doesn't hit you as much until you hear them live. That is a concert I will never forget.

12. Anberlin- Never Take Friendship Personal

-I have been told many times that I listen to Paperthin Hymn way too much.

13. UnderOath- They're Only Chasing Safety

- This album had a lot to do with my change in musical taste during my freshman year of college. It is still easily my favorite UnderOath album.

14. Chasing Victory- Fiends

-Why oh why did you guys break up?

15. John Reuben- The Boy Vs. The Cynic

-This album deserves credit for making me ask some questions about whether I was following Jesus from the Bible or the American Jesus who drives a Chevy truck and hates atheists.

16. Nickel Creek- Nickel Creek

-Out of the Woods and When You Come Back Down are songs that I have fallen in love with.

17. Relient K- Five Score and Seven Years Ago

-A continuation of mmhmm.

18. Weezer- Green Album

-Yes, I do like it better than Blue.

19. Foo Fighters- The Colour and the Shape

-My Hero and Everlong are timeless songs. I'm hoping I can watch their induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame one day.

20. Justin McRoberts- Grace Must Would Before It Heals

-Much like The Boy Vs. The Cynic, this album left me with a whole lot of questions.

21. mewithoutyou- Catch for Us the Foxes

-Just absolutely genius

22. Fiction Family- Fiction Family

-Jon Foreman + Sean Watkins = Amazing Music

23. He Is Legend- Suck Out the Poison

-I just love dirty Southern Rock

24. Gym Class Heroes- The Papercut Chronicles

-Do not confuse this brilliant album with their last two releases. Two completely different things.

25. Switchfoot- The Beautiful Letdown

-Someone stole this CD from me when I was in high school. Just know I'm still searching for the culprit.

So there you have it. You now know everything about me. Comments are appreciated.

The Wrestler

2009-01-28T16:13:00.000-08:00

I'll go ahead and get it out of the way. I used to love pro wrestling. I can think back and remember matches that changed my life as a kid. I remember begging my parents to let me order a pay-per-view because I was worried Mankind was going to kill Shawn Michaels (my favorite wrestler). I remember sitting around at school the next day listening to a kid tell me what happened in detail in every match because his dad ordered it.

So it was no surprise that when a movie about a washed up professional wrestler was released I wanted to go. The fact that the reviews were as good as they were was just a bonus. I have never seen Ready to Rumble... just for the record.

Mickey Rourke plays Randy "The Ram," an extremely popular wrestler from the 1980s who is now wrestling in small companies to make enough money to pay the rent. After a particularly brutal match, he has a heart attack and has to change his life.

The Wrestler is an absolutely amazing movie. It is a movie that I have processed in my mind over and over. One of the few movies that has ever left me completely engrossed for a day or two afterward. I found myself thinking about the movie the next day and looking at it from all the different angles. I highly recommend it even if you aren't a fan of wrestling.

My Consistent Blog...

2009-01-16T10:03:00.000-08:00

Seems like an oxymoron right? I've been pretty lazy with this thing for the last few months. I'm gonna get better, I promise.

I think I'm just going to get some quick thoughts out and use another post to talk about some politics and other things. I had to write a 17 page research paper on the relationship between Christianity and Politics in America. While I said a lot in that paper, there are a few things that I would like to say in a less formal tone. Maybe a few questions to ask as well.

Here are my quick hit thoughts of this week.

-Not only do the Gators win the BCS Championship game but Tim Tebow and Brandon Spikes come back? I'll take it!

-Dear Jaguars, please pick Percy Harvin. Cut Jerry Porter and Troy Williamson. Draft Percy Harvin.

-My love for British Rock-and-Roll grows by the minute thanks to my continued love for Led Zeppelin, the Kaiser Chiefs, and the Beatles, as well as my newfound love for Bloc Party and the Arctic Monkeys. I'm sure there are tons of bands I'm forgetting.

-I agree with whoever said the Killers are the best British band to come out of America.

-I don't know if there are enough hours left in my life to see all the great movies I have missed over the years but Netflix makes it a lot easier to see as many as possible.

-Watchmen looks like it's going to be great. Should do a good job telling the story.

-The list of books I have to read is too long. Into the Wild, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Reading the Bible Again for the First Time, Living Biblically, The History of God, Million Dollar Baby, and all my stuff for school. I have a ton of work to do.

The happiest note of all this is that I finally feel like I can think on a graduate school level. I feel comfortable with my beliefs and feelings about certain issues. I'm excited to move onto the next portion of my life story.

My American Church

2008-07-16T12:04:00.000-07:00

I am troubled. I try not to be critical of the people who are members of the church that I work for. I really do enjoy working at the church. I like the people there and the atmosphere of the community. I like working with the youth group and the kids in it.

However, there have been two things that have made me sad. Not because these things only happen in this church but that they happen at all. These are common things in the American church. Most of us don't even realize it until it is pointed out.

The first of which is a music video for a song by Carman. Now, I will admit that other than this song I am completely unfamiliar with the man's music. However, this video have definitely turned me off. In the song/video he claims that 20+ Biblical laws are mentioned by the writers of the Declaration of Independence. Interestingly enough, there is no mention of the Bible, Christianity, or Jesus Christ in the Declaration. Not to mention the fact that the only people who have rights in their minds were people who could own land or (for the most part) white men.

My biggest problem with the video is that it is filled with hate. Hate for people who are not like the American, Caucasian, Christian population. That video should be nowhere near Christianity or the Church.

My other issue is that at the beginning of Vacation Bible School we have pledges. First we do the pledge to the American flag, then the Christian flag, then the Bible. My problem is not with the pledges themselves but rather the order. It's completely backwards. Is our allegiance first to America or to our faith?

I don't feel like I can pledge to the American flag before either of the others.

"My first allegiance is not to a flag, a country or a man.
No, my first allegiance is not to democracy or blood.
It's to a King and a kingdom."
-Derek Webb

His Story

2008-07-07T11:12:00.000-07:00

If you haven't heard yet, there is this guy named Josh Hamilton. He went to high school at Athens Drive (a local school). He was drafted by the Tampa Bay Rays and was going to have a great career. He got injured, got into drugs, and almost lost his career. After a few years out of baseball, he turned his life around and was signed by the Cincinnati Reds. This past offseason, they reluctantly traded him to the Texas Rangers for Edinson Volquez (a trade that has worked out for both teams). Yesterday, he was chosen as a starter for the AL All Stars. His efforts to turn his life around have paid off. If you get the chance, read his story.

God bless Josh Hamilton for realizing his potential and not settling for less.

My Biggest Struggle

2008-06-27T21:05:00.000-07:00

I miss blogging. I really do. I'm just glad that school is over now so I can read more for pleasure and write some more blogs. I'm also going to change the way I title the individual blogs as well. I want a more "Scrubsy" feel to this thing. I'll explain why in this post. I might sneak a song quote in here every once in a while though.

The thing I find most interesting about my relationship with Jesus is that just when I feel like I'm comfortable with everything, that comfort is taken away. Shane Claiborne probably says it best when he says that Jesus came to "comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable" (Irresistible Revolution and Jesus For President). I was cruising along though. Learning new things about my faith and about myself and everything was okay. At least until my fatal flaw was revealed. I think that's why I relate to superheroes so much. They have this power but they always have some flaw that goes along with it. Not that I have special powers or anything...yet.

I'm sure that if either of the individuals I'm talking about reads this, they will try to fix whatever is wrong (I can't spoil it for you yet), but I don't want them to. I don't want an apology. I'm not doing this for one. I just want this out there. This is for me.

I'm not even going to tell the story. I wouldn't even know where to start. I've always longed for a mentor. I think this is why I relate so easily to J.D. from Scrubs. He is always trying to earn the respect of Dr. Cox. He does everything he can. That was me in youth group. I never felt like I got it though. It's so frustrating to see people who are angels in public and completely irrational and hateful in private get the respect that you've worked so diligently for. It's even worse when that person lies to your face about the whole situation.

The crazy thing is that I don't want the respect anymore. I don't. I like the people that I go to for spiritual advice. I think I have a broad spectrum of well educated and understanding friends who help me with any of my concerns about ministry or life in general.

This whole situation just knocked me on my butt though. I made myself sick over it. I guess I finally know why it had to. My biggest struggle is forgiveness. I want to forgive but I don't know if I understand all the implications of that forgiveness. It's not easy to forgive. Especially with a hurt that is so deep. I'm going to forgive. I'm not ready yet though.

Sometimes I wish it were easier to follow Jesus....

My Dreams Have Come True

2008-06-11T22:20:00.001-07:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080611/ap_on_fe_st/italy_unicorn

I Pledge Allegiance to a Country without borders, without Politicians...

2008-03-17T21:51:00.000-07:00

Surprise! I have no idea who I'm going to vote for. I'm traditionally a Republican (Capitalism ftw), but with the moron that has been selected to represent the party, I have no choice. I also do not think that neither Hilary or Obama are really the candidates that are best for the country. I don't know and I don't really care anymore. People always say that you can't complain if you don't vote. Can I just vote for no one? Do I really have to choose the least of the evils? That doesn't make any sense to me. None at all. I want someone great to step up and fix the country. Someone that will really change things for the better.

One suggestion that I have heard is to write "Jesus Christ" in as my choice for President. I mocked this. I had no choice. I mean, I guess we need a Republican who bleeds red, white, and blue. Come on.

I'll propose something else. Why don't we let the morality of Christ control our lives and not our government? Why can't our conscience be our moral compass? Why do we need to have a "Christian" in office so that our laws line up with our faith? America was created with freedom of religion, so they can't take away our ability to worship God. I don't think they could since 75% of Americans claim to be Christian. It's not like Christianity lines up with Capitalism anyway. Didn't Jesus say to give what we have to the poor? Why isn't that being preached unless the church is building something new? Yeah, give your money to us, not the people who don't have jobs. "They were in prison, it's their fault they made a mistake when they were 18 years old and even though they have cleaned up, their arrest record still prevents them from getting a job so they have to beg on the streets or live in a tiny house. Give your money to us because we need a basketball court." Real Christians are hard to find in America today, yet the Atheists are the ones taking over. I don't think so. I think the dumb Christians are taking over. Why don't we try to stop them? The fake ones. The Christians who don't actually live out their faith. The ones that think showing up on Sunday is good enough.

Maybe it's because there aren't enough of those to teach the rest...

I'm trying. I expect a packed house for Easter. I won't be at a Sunrise service though. Jesus is risen every day. I don't need one day to commemorate it. I celebrate it every day. Happy Easter tomorrow and the day after and the day after....

I pledge allegiance to a country without borders, without politicians
Watching for my sky to get torn apart
We are broken, we are bitter
We're the problem, we're the politicians
Watching for our sky to get torn apart
-Switchfoot

Love thy neighbor is a command

2008-03-14T12:26:00.000-07:00

For some of you, comments may be necessary.

Maybe this should be a wake up call...

2008-03-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/15576902/detail.html

Unfortunately, this man never got the answers he deserved while on earth. I know that what this man did was wrong, but at the same time, I understand his sentiments. I fear that many pastors will use this event as a way to say that the world is evil, but I think the point could be made that maybe Christians are evil. Well, not Christians, but rather "Christians."

Learning to Breathe

2008-03-06T20:50:00.000-08:00

I guess this is the best way to title this post.

Tonight I realized that I am completely burned out. I'm talking about school, work, friendships. I feel like I am at my worst right now. I don't even know why. I actually like my classes this semester. I just have so much outside work. It's difficult to keep up. My mind is expanding though. I just feel like, aside from one night of the week and the time I spent with my girlfriend, I am surrounded by closed minded people. People who don't want to look outside the box. People who would rather watch American Idol than do something positive. People that are going to church to avoid hell. I can't take it anymore.

Why don't people want to live the abundant life that Christ offers us? I just don't understand it.

I'm learning to breathe. I'm finding that Jesus is everything good in my life.

"I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall
I'm living again
Awake and Alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies."
-Switchfoot

And I'm free again...

If I didn't have you as my guide...

2008-02-26T22:47:00.000-08:00

I sit here writing this at 1:49 AM. I'm so angry right now. Mostly because I despise people who are fake. I sit here begging forgiveness...only because I don't really know what else to do. I don't think I've never been so disappointed in my life.

"I had a well, but all the water less,
So I'll go ask Your forgiveness with every breath"

Last night I had a conversation with someone about some issues I am having with someone and his friends. And I talked about my concerns and I was reassured that things were not as bad as they seemed. I felt better. Then that person decided to make a comment about me when he thought I couldn't hear him. And I just don't understand it.

Someone enlighten me.

But all the while, I can't help but think about what is stopping me from smothering him.

Jesus just made it seem so easy...the whole loving your neighbor thing...I'm just ready for a break from all this.

But if I didn't have You as my guide,
I'd still wander lost in Sinai
ounting the plates of cars from out of state,
How I could jump in their path as they hurry along.
And You surround me,
You're pretty but You're all I can see
Like a thick fog...
If there was no way into God,
I would never have laid in this grave of a body for so long."
-mewithoutYou

2008-02-20T22:34:00.000-08:00

But the day I seen her come out of Kerr's Mercantile and cross the street and she passed me and I tipped my hat to her and got just almost a smile back, that was the luckiest.

People complain about the bad things that happen to em that they dont deserve but they seldom mention the good. About what they done to deserve them things. I dont recall that I ever give the good Lord all that much cause to smile on me. But he did.

Sheriff Bell in No Country for Old Men

I really just needed to post this quote. Someone will know why. She will not, however, be happy that I quoted a book that she has not read yet.

But if all that's left is duty, I'm falling on my sword

2008-02-05T00:43:00.000-08:00

This song breaks my heart...mostly because it seems to be true. I would love some comments before I talk about my reactions to it.

Edit*
In light of Dave telling to post the lyrics, I am doing so. These are from the Justin McRoberts version. And for the record, it is the version I prefer as well.

"I could hear the church bells ringing
They pealed aloud Your praise
The member's faces were smiling
With their hands outstretched to shake
It's true they did not move me
My heart was hard and tired
Their perfect fire annoyed me
I could not find You anywhere

Could someone please tell me the story
Of sinners ransomed from the fall?
I still have never seen You, and some days
I don't love you at all

The devoted were wearing bracelets
To remind them why they came
Some concrete motivation
When the abstract could not do the same
But if all that's left is duty, I'm falling on my sword
At least then, I would not serve an unseen, distant Lord

Could someone please tell me the story
Of sinners ransomed from the fall
I still have never seen you, and some days
I don't love you at all

If this only a test
I hope that I'm passing, because I'm losing steam
but I still want to trust You"

I've also probably used this before. But what the heck, I'll use it again.

untitled

2008-01-18T20:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like I can do nothing but hurt people.

Lights Will Guide You Home

2008-01-15T12:26:00.000-08:00

I know there are a lot of people who don't want to hear me say this and there are also a lot of people who want to hear me say this. I apologize to the former.

Lately, I've been listening to Coldplay. This stems from a conversation I had with one of my professors who asked me if I did indeed listen to them because I like Mat Kearney so much. Now, I was pretty anti-Coldplay for a while because I thought all their songs sounded the same or far too similar. I'm really digging this song called Fix You. I saw it on the HD Music Channel I get at the house and I was just blown away. It's so soothing. I looked up the lyrics and found that apply wonderfully to love (at least in the way I view it) and relationships (at least in the way I view them). I also figured that it would be a great opportunity to embed my first youtube video.

I think the chorus is the part that is the most interesting to me. I think the goal of every romantic relationship is to try to fix or complete another person. I think so many relationships fail because we spend so much time thinking about ourselves rather than remembering that relationships are about two becoming one and the two people fixing each other rather than our self-centered view when we are single.

I think home is such a wonderful idea. Home is where we are most able to be ourselves because we're a lot less worried about what people think of us. Home has so much to do with the people around us than an actual place though. I spend most of my year in a dorm room, but my home is about 30 minutes away from my dorm room, with the people I'm most comfortable with. I'm a year and a half away from being on my own for the first time. I'll be paying rent and bills and everything else and I'll be supporting either one or two people (depending on whether or not she keeps me). I'll be creating a home.

I guess my true message is to everyone, but I have one person in particular that these last few words are for.

"Lights will guide you home,
and ignite your bones,
and I will try to fix you"
-Fix You by Coldplay

Why do you speak with that accent now?

2008-01-10T21:45:00.000-08:00

I have this amazing love/hate relationship with facebook.

It is such a handy resource sometimes, but it can make me so disappointed in people sometimes. I had an experience with the latter the other day. I added a new friend who was an old friend and immediately visited his page. I looked at his wall and, let me just say, I have never seen so many white suburban kids use the n-word. I was disgusted. I mean, these are kids that I went to high school with and hung out with in my neighborhood.

Now, maybe I'm just jealous. I mean, I don't like the n-word as much as a white man can. But to be able to use any slang at all would be wonderful. I sound like a parent. Kids today are so "gangsta."

I came away from this with one conclusion. I had assumed that the top two users of the n-word are rappers and racists. I guess suburban white kids are number three on that list now.

This suburban white kid is passing on that trend.

I guess I just want people to be real.

"So who do you fool with that costume now?
Everyone knows you're not who you seem
You've got a hard way about you
For someone whose passage is already paid"
-Dashboard Confessional

Entertainment Awards Part II

2008-01-02T20:22:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna have to hurry through these entertainment awards so I can get on with my blogging. I still have so much to say and I don't spend enough time saying it. I have my very first book review and some CD reviews coming up soon.

Best Movie: Bourne Ultimatum

I have never felt tension as thick as I felt when I saw this movie. Just great atmosphere in the theater. The movie was amazing and I'm hoping we get a fourth installment so we can find out if something is happening with Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) and Nicky Parsons (Julia Stiles).

2. Ratatouille
3. Transformers

3 Movies I didn't make it to:

1. No Country for Old Men
2. Juno
3. Gone Baby Gone

Best TV Show:

Scrubs

Did you expect anything different?

Best TV Show No One Watched:

Friday Night Lights.

Low ratings but wow, what an amazing show.

Best Video Game:

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune

This might be the best game I have ever played. The story was amazing from beginning to end. It would have been a great movie by itself, but the fact that it was a great interactive movie makes it all that much better.

Athletic Event of the Year:

Boise State vs. Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl

Boise was able to take down Goliath using a hooker and lateral and the statue of liberty play. It doesn't get much better than that.

Well, that's it for this year. Should be an interesting 2008

2007's Entertainment Awards

2007-12-19T21:41:00.000-08:00

So, here's the deal. I spend too much money on movies, music, books and video games. There, I said it.

I figured I may as well pick my favorites of the year. I think I'll start with Music. I'll be posting these day by day (hopefully seeing some more movies along the way) so try to stay tuned.

MUSIC

Best Album- Cities by Anberlin

This one is pretty much a toss up between Emery's I'm Only A Man and Anberlin's Cities. I'm going with Cities because I think it was more of a step for Anberlin. This was really the first Anberlin album that I didn't have to grow into. It's a very close choice though and I highly recommend both albums.

Most Surprising Album- Fiends by Chasing Victory

Fiends is about the most I have ever been surprised by an album. Chasing Victory released a great album from beginning to end. There was a lot of experimentation and it was obvious, but it fit well together so there's no point in complaining. Fiends has a darker tone to it but the songs fit together extremely well and it is one of the most enjoyable listening experiences I had this year.

Most Disappointing Album- Singularity by Mae

Now, don't get my wrong, I like this album. It just didn't move anywhere. It feels like The Everglow all over again. It just feels like there is no progression at all. It was extremely disappointing and made this choice an easy one.

Best EP or Soundtrack- Fall EP by Jon Foreman

As of right now, this is probably the best EP I have ever heard. Part of a four part series based on the seasons, Jon Foreman really captures the feelings of Fall on this EP. I was not really surprised by it, just extremely happy with the purchase.

Best Rock Album- Cities by Anberlin

I could say something here, but I would just be restating my comments in the Best Album category.

Best Adult Contemporary/ Acoustic/ Folk album- Learning to Let Go by Corey Crowder

This album came out of no where for me, but this guy is getting some pretty good airplay from MTV and rightfully so. His album is wonderful. This was probably the hardest category for me to choose because of the great albums I bought this year that fall into this group.

The Best Album No One Has Heard Of- Demo by Tyler Burkum

The former guitarist from the recently broken up band Audio Adrenaline is someone a lot of people don't really know. Hopefully after reading this, you'll want to hear his music. It's a very heartfelt, honest album about life, God, and being away from the ones you love. I think we can all relate to his music in one way or another.

The Top 5:
1. Cities by Anberlin
2. I'm Only A Man by Emery
3. Learning to Let Go by Corey Crowder
4. Demo by Tyler Burkum
5. Fiends by Chasing Victory

By the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone...

2007-12-15T20:22:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about Overthinking.... (Thanks for dedicating that to me Justin)

I couldn't use that song on my blog though because Justin already has it on his, so I chose another one. I asked myself what it means to "overthink." What am I overthinking about and what am I looking for?

I found that I'm searching for "Clarity"

I'm always thinking about anything and everything. All this thinking can drag me down too. For a long time I could only think about my past relationship and how hurt I was by all that happened. Then it moved to my feelings of abandonment by my old Church (something that hasn't totally left me yet). Now I mostly think about my dreams and aspirations that are directed toward fixing the Church (pretty lofty goal huh?). I think it's because I can't help but ask why these things have happened. I need to know how to handle this type of stuff. Unfortunately, this causes my brain to be filled to the max most of the time and I have to calm down before I can do anything at all.

It's seems like it's been easier to keep a clear head since I finished the semester. Here's to whatever it is I'm searching for.

"I worry
I weigh three times my body
I worry
I throw my fear around
But this morning
There's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain"
-John Mayer

I've been jumping over alligators, trying to cross the deadly moat...

2007-11-05T10:13:00.000-08:00

or "How I came to dislike the Church."

For most of you, this could be the strangest subtitle ever. Yes, I am a youth pastor. Yes, I love my job and the church family I am a part of. This post comes mostly from my experience in other churches, while admitting that my church is definitely part of some of the overall issues. This also comes from conversations with friends and from over 2 years of studying Religion in college and having a chance to look at the Church as a whole from the beginning.

I was cynical at 13. I had to be. I didn't really have a lot of friends in middle school. I was pretty unpopular and middle school is about the worst time to not have a lot of friends. You're really trying to become someone before high school so that you can impress all the new people you meet with all your old friends. A buddy of mine did invite me to his church for a Super Bowl party though. I walked into that church with a chip on my shoulder. I mean, I thought I was a better person than everyone else in that room. I knew who the Christian kids were at my school and I knew how they acted. It was no secret. I grew up in a semi-Christian home. We never really went to church, but I thought Christianity was true. So even if I wasn't a better person than everyone else in the room, at least I didn't carry this religion around and claim to be. In all reality I was just trying to give myself a reason to hate those people before they could hate me. I found quickly that I was dead wrong....at least for a little while.

Church was great at first. I was accepted for the first time in my life. I felt safe. The youth group was what it should have been. It was what I want the youth groups that I lead to be. We were a family. I mean, sure we had our problems, but they were never really serious and they were dealt with quickly. I watched youth group leaders grow up and graduate and leave. Finally, as a junior I began to step into that role as a leader. I had just been called into ministry and things were going great. Looking back, that was the downfall of the group. Our youth group became what the rest of the church is. What most churches are today. All churches have flaws, but why do most of them seem to have the same flaw?

I remember watching the youth group die and thinking that it was all my fault. We went from being the strongest youth group I had ever seen to a clique and outsiders. The clique was run by these two sisters. They were two of the prettier girls in the group and everyone latched onto them. They owned that group. The focus was on them when they were there and when they weren't there (which was a lot more often). The funny thing is that the same thing was happening with the adults. The pastor's wife had worked her way into the main clique and started to control who was in and who was out. I remember watching my mother cry because that *woman* thanked everyone who had helped that night except her. And we wonder why so many people leave the Church or become agnostic or atheists. Can we really blame them? And then why do we hear about how great we are because we believe and they don't from the pulpit. It's not always direct, but it is said a lot.

I have met far too many people who tell me that they don't feel accepted in the Church. Too many have left in high school and college for the party scene because they feel accepted there. Instead of being ourselves at church we are forced to put on masks because "you have to be happy if you're a Christian." That's bull and I'm sick of it.

It's sad when a youth pastor is fired for befriending someone who is "sinful" without a purpose of bringing them to Christ. It's sad when a girl in a youth group starts partying because that is where she feels accepted. It's sad that we drive people away who just want to serve. It's sad what the Church has become in America.

Why has all this happened though? Maybe it's because the American Church doesn't seem to have a real message anymore. Or maybe it's because the Church is becoming outdated.

It IS because people have chosen to live out their "Christian lives" at church and their "regular lives" the rest of the time. Maybe that's why I'm forced to smile all the time when I'm at church. American Christians have become so obsessed with ourselves that we forget to focus on what Christ wants us to do or how Christ would want us to act. We've become so focused on procedure that we've forgotten to love.

I don't really have an answer for any of this, but I'll let you know if I come up with one.

"What a prosperous, wondrous place
Remember to say grace before we scrape our plates
And ignore the crying outside the door sure
You’ll pray for their burdens but you don’t want to make it yours
Thin lines divide but there’s a world of difference
So crawl back into your happy existence and feel the bliss of ignorance keep you warm"
-John Reuben

Thursday Sports Day

2007-10-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

I'm going to do a better job of updating this. I still have a lot to say, just not a lot of time to say it. Youth ministry, school and having an amazing girlfriend leaves you little time for much else. The only breaks I get are for skate. and COLLEGE FOOTBALL.

So, Thursday is now Sports Day here and that means that I'm giving you guys a list of 10 thoughts I have about athletics.

1. South Florida should be #1 in the polls. I hope to see them in the BCS National Championship game.

2. Kentucky is goooooood. But who doesn't know this already? That LSU game was not a fluke. However, Urban Meyer is great coming off the bye week. Anytime he has more than a week to prepare, his team comes out really strong. See 2007 National Championship Game Ohio State vs. Florida. So I'm picking the Gators by 2 touchdowns.

3. Back to South Florida. The Rutgers vs. USF game tonight is huge. Could the game of the year.

4. Switching gears...Go Rockies! I mean, seriously, who saw this coming? Put your hands down. I know you didn't.

5. Back to South Florida, but this time to that horrid Miami Dolphins team. I mean it's pretty bad when you're the doormat of the AFC East. Miami is 0-6, New York is 1-5, Buffalo is 1-5. But the Patriots are 6-0.

6. I don't see the Patriots losing a game this year...that's right, I said it.

7. I don't think there will be an undefeated team in NCAA Football this year. USF has the 12th toughest schedule in the nation and BC really isn't that good. Ohio State plays a fairly tough schedule for the rest of the year. All their remaining opponents are 5-2 right now.

8. I think Jeff Gordon wins at least one more race and the Championship.

9. I need to pay attention to hockey more than I have been. The Canes are a sleeper pick to go deep into the playoffs.

10. I knew Marion Jones used steroids and she deserves to lose her medals.

My non-sports thoughts for today:
-Blue Like Jazz is fantastic. Go buy it.
-School+ work+ amazing girlfriend= no time
-This will be the only blog that doesn't have lyrics and such. So don't miss them too much.

Oh, I'm never speaking up again

2007-09-06T21:17:00.000-07:00

I feel like I don't even know who reads this thing. But I hope you all enjoy it. In hopes of something more lighthearted, I feel like this could give me the chance to get to know some of my readers.

I have decided to give 5 random facts about me and then a story that has affected the way I view the world. Obviously, this blog is a collection of stories and questions, but the goal is to lead by example and give everyone who reads this a chance to respond. And hopefully, form stronger relationships with my readers through that and hopefully get invited to lunch.

Here are my facts:

1. When I was in middle school I replaced TRL in my afternoon TV lineup with Oprah.

2. I have a secret love for interior design

3. Reese Witherspoon's accent in Walk the Line makes me love her.

4. I want to live in Charleston, SC

5. My first two CDs were Matchbox 20's "Yourself or Someone Like You" and Aerosmith's "Nine Lives." I still listen to both.

Now to the story. I don't know how to approach this. I'm trying to think of a good story to tell. But it's late. Hmm...

The first time I ever heard God speak through my mouth was something I'll never forget. I remember sitting on a hill with someone I miss dearly (who has never been mentioned in this blog) and just talking and not having any idea what I was actually saying until much later. And feeling the satisfaction of knowing that God really does care about me and uses me when I'm open to it. That relates to me right now because it's the point I'm trying to return to. I don't feel all that close to God right now and I'm doing anything I can to get back to where I want to be. That night keeps me hanging on. Maybe sitting in the grass is exactly what I need....

And I can't wait to read your 5 random facts and your story.

"I need you here with me
Cause love is all we need
Just take a hold of the hand that breaks the fall

Well I know what I've been told
Gotta break free to break the mold
But I can't do this all on my own
No I can't do this all on my own
I know that I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman"
-Lazlo Bane

If there's a master of death, I bet he's holding his breath because I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

2007-08-29T20:43:00.000-07:00

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?"
-Matthew 5: 43-47

I struggle with this....and I want to get over it. I'll do anything. Imagine that would do.

The quote above comes from a Nickel Creek song entitled "Doubting Thomas." It just rings true right now. To me, it says two things. Either a) that my struggle to truly preach the gospel with my life is due to the fact that I don't know what to do when I'm presented with an opportunity to be the person I was created to be or b) that I'm so self-centered that I lead people away from my lifeforce.

I don't believe in predestination. I believe that my God-given free will has a direct effect on eternity. And I thank the Creator for allowing me to be part of his good work. That is to say that I have not been holding up my part of the agreement. If I were a true Christian, I would be doing a better job of being a light in a dark place.

That verse is what has caused this in me. This rethinking of my character and of Christianity as a whole because I'm so far from that right now. Sometimes I wish this wasn't so difficult

I want so much to be the person that I was created to be...
...but I can't do it alone.

And if I know that, why do I continue to try to do it by myself?
-I'm stubborn
-I'm hurting
-I see what I think are injustices and everything in my human nature tells me how unfair it is
-My pride
-Because I'm self-centered
-I HAVE TRUST ISSUES
-I'm pessimistic
-I don't actually care about people, I just pretend to
-I'm afraid to exceed my own expectations because I don't want to give God the credit because I'm just that amazing

I thought that list would be shorter. I have a lot of work to do....God and I have a lot of work to do.

"Don’t teach me about loving my enemies
Don’t teach me how to listen to the Spirit
Just give me a new law"
-Derek Webb

Leave it up to me to burden you again, but this one's not your fault...

2007-08-22T20:56:00.000-07:00

I guess I need to add some background to this. Luckily, the 3 people that I'm gonna talk about here probably don't read this, but if they do, I hope they realize exactly what is going on with me. And for the record, the song lyrics have never been perfect until now.

And for the record, I can't believe I'm actually putting this out there for all my youth to read or at least have the chance to read.... here's what my life is like...

Last year at this time I had two loves in my life. Well, female loves at least. And there was a third girl who was almost in that group. She's still on that line. There's no point in using names since a lot of you know who I'll be talking about. at least for the most part. At this point I don't know where to start. This isn't interactive, so I suppose I'll just start with the non-girlfriend one. This is one is a little bit easier.

I had a best friend in high school. Someone that I enjoyed laughing with but most of all, someone I felt safe with. I guess that's what I wanted in a best friend. I think there's a theme in both relationships in that I was naive enough not to see it coming. I guess that is God's sense of humor. But anyway, back to the story. So I have this amazing best friend. And we both have issues. A lot of them and they come from different places. I think that's why we connected in the first place. We could be honest and open and we knew that we still loved each other no matter what was said. That's what I miss. I'd give anything to have that back. They say that after high school, most of your friendships fade away and you can definitely chalk this one up to that idea. However, I always thought that if two people care enough about each other, anything can work. I suppose after all the phone calls that weren't returned, I finally realized what had happened. The first person that I could ever be totally honest with without having to worry about the repercussions is gone.

I've been dreading this part of the blog since I made the decision to type it. I would like to state first that I fully accept the responsibility of what is written here. This is my account of what happened and the aftermath. This is how I feel. If any evidence is in any way misrepresented, please tell me so I can make adequate changes.

I think in a way, I'm still in love with who she was. I still love how she made me feel and I still wish I could have been better to her. But I don't want that person back. I don't know how I didn't see the break up coming. I think She just fell out of love with me, but I don't know for sure. I'm not sure if I'll ever know I had heard of that kind of thing happening, but I never thought that God would let that happen to me. I wonder if things would have been different if she had told me that. The break-up itself wasn't even the worst part. Everything that happened ever is much worse. I'm finally okay with all that. And I mean everything. Gifts that were exchanged, mistakes that were made, everything. I just hope my bitterness about everything goes away with time. There's a difference between forgiving and forgetting. It makes me wonder how God does it so easily. Very few people knew how bad I felt for having a crush on another girl a couple weeks after the break-up. I guess that's where the third girls comes in, but I'm not there yet. But no matter what happened, I was fighting for the friendship to continue. I was willing to rebuild and move on. I was a sucker the whole time. And I ended up getting things thrown in my face and having to watch the last thing I would have ever wanted to happen manifest itself while only being able to ask myself what I could do to stop it. I still felt responsible for her in a way. And maybe that was wrong of me.

That's just the backstory to what I'm about to say. This is where I finally get to say what I need to say. I'm not sure when it was that she decided to completely disregard the friendship, but I wish she would have told me. Because I fought too long and too hard for something that she knew was never going to happen. And I really want to know what the hell (sorry youth group, that's just how frustrated I am) I did to deserve the looks that I have gotten since my return to Campbell. So if you can answer this, you need to. There's no reason that anyone needs to be uncomfortable in this situation. It's best for both sides if that doesn't happen.

Unfortunately, in losing a romantic relationship, I also ended up losing a friendship in a lot of ways. I definitely lost what I needed in the friendship. And that totally sucks

One thing I'm learning is that God puts us in situations to be great. God knows exactly what we need to grow as people. I just wonder why God put these people in my life only to take them away without warning and leave me so humiliated. I'm struggling to find reason in this madness and I'm hoping this doesn't come back to haunt me...

"I'm in a car underwater with time to kill
Thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me
What hurts more is I would still die for you"

-Armor for sleep

I wanna love you the best that, the best that I can

2007-08-11T18:53:00.000-07:00

I'm frustrated.

This week has flown by without remorse. I feel like I haven't moved. The world is spinning too fast for me to keep up. I've got the worst writers block that I have ever had. I can barely pick up a pencil. I'm even struggling to speak. But what's worst of all is that I don't even care.

Oh the irony and apathy.

With all that being said though, I feel like I've taken the biggest steps in my life this week. LOVE IS MY ONLY CONCERN

Now if I could just put that down on paper...

"I'm mixed in this truth my trouble
I'll rest in your arms for awhile
Say you love me
because when I wake up dear
You'll just be an angel and I'm gonna cry"
-Chris Thile

Well I'll stack all my books in perfect rows from the biggest down to the smallest ones

2007-08-01T20:44:00.000-07:00

For my evening lesson on Sunday, I decided to dissect a couple of my favorite songs in hopes of providing the youth with music that makes them think about they way they're living. The songs I chose were "Girl America" and "What's a Boy to do?" by Mat Kearney off of his Nothing Left to Lose album.

"Girl America" is a fantastic song. I have played it for people before and it is always leads to the same discussion. This discussion is about how relevant the song is. The song speaks about sex, drugs, alcohol and the obsession with the supermodel body. It's mostly about how those things are part of what Americans are told to be and that's why it applies to everyone.

As much as I love this country and I feel blessed to have been born here, I can't help but be disgusted by the amount of pressure put on teenagers and young adults to be or act a certain way. It's the reason we need organizations like To Write Love on Her Arms (which is a amazing organization and one I support, but we shouldn't have to have it).

The best part of the song is the final verse because throughout the song, Mat sings about how this girl is looking for hope and that he's watching her fight for every breath. When he gets to the final verse, he tells "Girl America" that her hope can be found in Christ. That Christ is her ultimate redemption and that He can give her the fresh start that she's looking for.

We also spoke briefly about "What's a Boy to do?" I most talked about how it's the story of a life that is led by a lot of people. The boy in the song is looking for someone to tell him who he is. He looks to his friends and they are too busy with their own things to worry about his problems. Then he looks to his father for guidance, but his father isn't there for him so he's kind of just drifting. And he finally realizes that he's missing something but doesn't figure out what it is that he's missing until the very end of the song. He then points to Christ as his hope and what he was looking for all along.

I've been a Christian for about 7 years now and I'm still trying to figure out who I am and how I fit into the scheme of things. I still don't even know who Jesus really is. He is who He said He is, but He's so much more. That's the interesting thing about Jesus. His character has been revealed over time, but there's still so much more. I know we'll never figure out exactly who Jesus is while we're on earth and I can't wait to understand everything.

I am "Boy America"

What is this? Hey what's the deal? I don't sleep around and I don't steal...

2007-07-31T20:16:00.000-07:00

I have never been so confused in my life. I've always been told that thinking about things just screws everything up. It's never been more true than now.

Jesus says and does some radical things in the New Testament. That's for sure. He speaks about being "born again," he speaks of women's rights way before the idea was even conceived, and he hung out with tax collectors (who were even more despised at the time than Barry Bonds is now, and they didn't even do steroids). Jesus saves his most radical statement for a rich young man who wants to follow him:

Mark 10: 21(NIV) says "Jesus looked at him and loved him. 'One thing you lack,' he said. 'Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'"

This guy wanted to follow Jesus. He wanted to inherit eternal life. So he asked Jesus what he has to do. Jesus' response is to follow the commandments. The rich young man responds in a way I think most Christians would respond. He says that he's kept those commandments as best he could. And then Jesus drops the bomb. Sell everything you have and give it to the poor.

What am I doing with this verse? What can I do with this verse?

I think I'm so confused because I've never heard a sermon on selling everything you have and giving it to the poor. We've been spoiled by America. America is about success. How much money do you have? What kind of car do you drive? How big is your house? Where do you buy your clothes? When I was in middle school, all the "cool" kids wore Abercrombie and Fitch clothes. It was how they measured themselves I suppose. I have some rich family members who drive Lexus vehicles and live in big houses. It's how they measure themselves against everyone else. I buy Lucky Brand Jeans, Rainbow sandals, Puma shoes, Fossil watches, and Hurley t-shirts. It's how I measure myself....I suppose.

I've been reading Shane Claiborne's Irresistible Revolution and he emphasizes this verse a lot. The book thus far is about this verse. But he makes it seem like this verse is the only way to find Jesus, and that's what I'm struggling with. I just don't feel called to sell everything I own and give it to the poor. I don't feel called to give up all my financial security. And maybe it's because I don't trust God like I should or maybe it's because God created me for something different. I mean, even if I did, I wouldn't know who to give the money to. It's not like homeless people are the most trustworthy people on the planet. And it's not like I see the homeless all the time. Holly Springs isn't exactly the "hobo hotspot" of NC.

What am I supposed to do with this verse? Maybe I was created to tell people to follow it. And maybe cut down on my spending a little bit so I can give a little more.

"Come on and follow me
but sell your house, sell your SUV,
sell your stocks, sell your security
and give it to the poor"
-Derek Webb

Viva Revolution

How long must I always remember all that want to forget?

2007-06-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I don't understand. Many of which will come about later I'm sure. One, however, seems to be at the forefront. I cannot understand why I am finally over a past relationship, but I have no desire to date. I refuse to settle. I'm just trying to find someone that fits me. With all that said, I can't help but feel an intense loneliness. It reminds me too much of high school. I mean, I'm happy aside from this. I suppose I must focus on the good to overcome what is plaguing me.

Would it be too much to throw a little female companionship my way though?

"Take my hands and eyes, but I beg you this:
Offer me one kiss."
-Emery

Well half way down is half way out of here.

2007-06-23T21:35:00.000-07:00

At this point, I don't really have much to say. It's been a long time since I've written here. Probably since I haven't had much to say. Maybe I'll get around to saying something tonight or a few days later or something. Who knows.

I think the only reason I feel like getting some thoughts out tonight is because of the inner turmoil that overwhelms me. I never wanted to accept that a friendship had died. But it has. It died a long time ago. And I spent time trying to save it after it was dead. I think it's almost like a doctor digging a person up and trying to revive him. The left side of the body, which admittedly is not as strong fights for life while the right side just lays there motionless. That left side finally realizes what has happened and is totally crushed at what it has lost. Maybe it was the left side's fault all along...

Emery has a song called "Miss Behavin" that says that "hope is deceiving, it spreads like a cancer." As far as I can tell, the left side died because this cancer consumed it. So ultimately, the friendship is dead and may never be revived.

And if you're reading this, I hope you know that I tried. I really did. I just wish you had tried as hard as I did. I'm sorry I had to give up.

It feels good to get this out. Unfortunately, it probably only makes sense to me right now. And I think that's okay. And I'm okay. I have been for a while. And it's a blessing.

"She says today is gonna be the last time
and I know there's never gonna be an easy way out"
-Mat Kearney

"And with your final heartbeat, kiss the world goodbye...

2007-03-01T12:08:00.000-08:00

...then go in peace and laugh on glory's side"

I was talking with a friend the other day and I made a comment about how excited I was to find find the woman I wish to spend the rest of my life with. I haven't found her yet, but the idea that I have the potential to do so. To know that she's out there is such an amazing thought. I've always wondered if she already knows that she wants to marry me, but just hasn't told me yet. Like she's waiting for me to say something about how excited I am. I hardly believe thats true though. But, if you're reading this, I'm excited to meet you.

But that's definitely not the point of this post by any means.

The whole idea for this post resolves around the conversation we had and what was said. My friend said he had heard a speaker say once that we spend too much time looking toward the future that we don't realize how good we are doing at the time. At first, it was a good point. I mean, I'm doing better than I was so I don't really need to think about how happy I'll be with my wife. I should concentrate on the present. But the more I think about it, the more I think we have to concentrate on the future. We have to strive for something. And how can I not look to the future when I know that heaven is waiting for me. I mean, I'm not trying to speed up the process by any means, but I know that it's waiting for me. Sometimes, it seems like I should do something to get there. I mean, how amazing would it be to finally be permanently okay. We can't achieve that by ourselves. Pain will be gone one day. Finally, it will be gone.

"No more war,
there won't be anymore hunger,
no jealousy,
not even competition."
-Matisyahu

It's an interesting thought really. There will be peace one day.

With quiet words I'll lead you in

2007-02-23T22:55:00.000-08:00

I wish I could heal myself. Not in a physical way, but mentally and emotionally. I never realized how great it feels to be okay until I wasn't anymore. Like the "don't know what you've got until it's gone" cliche I suppose. But when your world is totally flipped upisde down that sort of thing tends to happen. I mean, the last thing that I intended to do was hurt someone and I ended up getting hurt in the process. Just because it was an accident doesn't change that it happened and I'm still hurt about it over a month after I found out. It's the first time in my life that I can remember being sick over something that happened. Something that was totally out of my control. The who, what, where and why of pain can only make things worse. Give me no names. No place or time. No reason. I don't even want to know what actually happened. I want it erased from my mind. I want to pretend that nothing bad ever happened and I want my happy attitude back. I'm tired of crying at night for no reason in particular. Not because I'm lonely or because my grades are bad. But because I seem to only have two emotions right now. Sadness and love. Sadness that all this had to happen and that some are still being decieved and still acting the same way....okay, one. And love for all, even the undeserving, but me.

I needed this

"This is the correlation between slavation and love
don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart."
-Anberlin

This is the end of everything I am

2007-02-22T22:54:00.000-08:00

I've never understood why my human nature leads me to hate people that I do not even know. It makes no sense. How can I really hate someone if I haven't a clue who they are. Yet, I do. And quite often as well. I don't mean to put even more distance between me and Christ. But I always do. I suppose it's even worse because of who I seem to dislike. Maybe hate is a bit too strong, but not always. The hatred always seems to come back to me. Some of the time, I take more blame than I should. But most of the time, I am the creator of my own problems. I wish with every cell in my body that this were different, but it will never be.

I guess my disdain is coming from my inability to accept that I'm actually okay right now. I seem to have myself convinced that I'm not okay and that I could be so much better. When the fact is that I have some of the best friends on earth who love me and will have my back if need be. So why do I feel so crowded and yet so alone? I suppose prayer will give me my answer and I probably already know it, but that's for another discussion.

"Don't try to wake me up even if the sun really does come out tomorrow"
-Anberlin