If I didn't have you as my guide...

I sit here writing this at 1:49 AM. I'm so angry right now. Mostly because I despise people who are fake. I sit here begging forgiveness...only because I don't really know what else to do. I don't think I've never been so disappointed in my life.

"I had a well, but all the water less,
So I'll go ask Your forgiveness with every breath"

Last night I had a conversation with someone about some issues I am having with someone and his friends. And I talked about my concerns and I was reassured that things were not as bad as they seemed. I felt better. Then that person decided to make a comment about me when he thought I couldn't hear him. And I just don't understand it.

Someone enlighten me.

But all the while, I can't help but think about what is stopping me from smothering him.

Jesus just made it seem so easy...the whole loving your neighbor thing...I'm just ready for a break from all this.

But if I didn't have You as my guide,
I'd still wander lost in Sinai
ounting the plates of cars from out of state,
How I could jump in their path as they hurry along.
And You surround me,
You're pretty but You're all I can see
Like a thick fog...
If there was no way into God,
I would never have laid in this grave of a body for so long."
-mewithoutYou

But the day I seen her come out of Kerr's Mercantile and cross the street and she passed me and I tipped my hat to her and got just almost a smile back, that was the luckiest.

People complain about the bad things that happen to em that they dont deserve but they seldom mention the good. About what they done to deserve them things. I dont recall that I ever give the good Lord all that much cause to smile on me. But he did.

Sheriff Bell in No Country for Old Men

I really just needed to post this quote. Someone will know why. She will not, however, be happy that I quoted a book that she has not read yet.

But if all that's left is duty, I'm falling on my sword

This song breaks my heart...mostly because it seems to be true. I would love some comments before I talk about my reactions to it.

Edit*
In light of Dave telling to post the lyrics, I am doing so. These are from the Justin McRoberts version. And for the record, it is the version I prefer as well.

"I could hear the church bells ringing
They pealed aloud Your praise
The member's faces were smiling
With their hands outstretched to shake
It's true they did not move me
My heart was hard and tired
Their perfect fire annoyed me
I could not find You anywhere

Could someone please tell me the story
Of sinners ransomed from the fall?
I still have never seen You, and some days
I don't love you at all

The devoted were wearing bracelets
To remind them why they came
Some concrete motivation
When the abstract could not do the same
But if all that's left is duty, I'm falling on my sword
At least then, I would not serve an unseen, distant Lord

Could someone please tell me the story
Of sinners ransomed from the fall
I still have never seen you, and some days
I don't love you at all

If this only a test
I hope that I'm passing, because I'm losing steam
but I still want to trust You"


I've also probably used this before. But what the heck, I'll use it again.

untitled

Sometimes I feel like I can do nothing but hurt people.

Lights Will Guide You Home

I know there are a lot of people who don't want to hear me say this and there are also a lot of people who want to hear me say this. I apologize to the former.

Lately, I've been listening to Coldplay. This stems from a conversation I had with one of my professors who asked me if I did indeed listen to them because I like Mat Kearney so much. Now, I was pretty anti-Coldplay for a while because I thought all their songs sounded the same or far too similar. I'm really digging this song called Fix You. I saw it on the HD Music Channel I get at the house and I was just blown away. It's so soothing. I looked up the lyrics and found that apply wonderfully to love (at least in the way I view it) and relationships (at least in the way I view them). I also figured that it would be a great opportunity to embed my first youtube video.



I think the chorus is the part that is the most interesting to me. I think the goal of every romantic relationship is to try to fix or complete another person. I think so many relationships fail because we spend so much time thinking about ourselves rather than remembering that relationships are about two becoming one and the two people fixing each other rather than our self-centered view when we are single.

I think home is such a wonderful idea. Home is where we are most able to be ourselves because we're a lot less worried about what people think of us. Home has so much to do with the people around us than an actual place though. I spend most of my year in a dorm room, but my home is about 30 minutes away from my dorm room, with the people I'm most comfortable with. I'm a year and a half away from being on my own for the first time. I'll be paying rent and bills and everything else and I'll be supporting either one or two people (depending on whether or not she keeps me). I'll be creating a home.

I guess my true message is to everyone, but I have one person in particular that these last few words are for.


"Lights will guide you home,
and ignite your bones,
and I will try to fix you"
-Fix You by Coldplay

Why do you speak with that accent now?

I have this amazing love/hate relationship with facebook.

It is such a handy resource sometimes, but it can make me so disappointed in people sometimes. I had an experience with the latter the other day. I added a new friend who was an old friend and immediately visited his page. I looked at his wall and, let me just say, I have never seen so many white suburban kids use the n-word. I was disgusted. I mean, these are kids that I went to high school with and hung out with in my neighborhood.

Now, maybe I'm just jealous. I mean, I don't like the n-word as much as a white man can. But to be able to use any slang at all would be wonderful. I sound like a parent. Kids today are so "gangsta."

I came away from this with one conclusion. I had assumed that the top two users of the n-word are rappers and racists. I guess suburban white kids are number three on that list now.

This suburban white kid is passing on that trend.

I guess I just want people to be real.

"So who do you fool with that costume now?
Everyone knows you're not who you seem
You've got a hard way about you
For someone whose passage is already paid"
-Dashboard Confessional

Entertainment Awards Part II

I'm gonna have to hurry through these entertainment awards so I can get on with my blogging. I still have so much to say and I don't spend enough time saying it. I have my very first book review and some CD reviews coming up soon.


Best Movie: Bourne Ultimatum

I have never felt tension as thick as I felt when I saw this movie. Just great atmosphere in the theater. The movie was amazing and I'm hoping we get a fourth installment so we can find out if something is happening with Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) and Nicky Parsons (Julia Stiles).

2. Ratatouille
3. Transformers

3 Movies I didn't make it to:

1. No Country for Old Men
2. Juno
3. Gone Baby Gone

Best TV Show:

Scrubs

Did you expect anything different?

Best TV Show No One Watched:

Friday Night Lights.

Low ratings but wow, what an amazing show.

Best Video Game:

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune

This might be the best game I have ever played. The story was amazing from beginning to end. It would have been a great movie by itself, but the fact that it was a great interactive movie makes it all that much better.

Athletic Event of the Year:

Boise State vs. Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl

Boise was able to take down Goliath using a hooker and lateral and the statue of liberty play. It doesn't get much better than that.

Well, that's it for this year. Should be an interesting 2008