"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?"
-Matthew 5: 43-47
I struggle with this....and I want to get over it. I'll do anything. Imagine that would do.
The quote above comes from a Nickel Creek song entitled "Doubting Thomas." It just rings true right now. To me, it says two things. Either a) that my struggle to truly preach the gospel with my life is due to the fact that I don't know what to do when I'm presented with an opportunity to be the person I was created to be or b) that I'm so self-centered that I lead people away from my lifeforce.
I don't believe in predestination. I believe that my God-given free will has a direct effect on eternity. And I thank the Creator for allowing me to be part of his good work. That is to say that I have not been holding up my part of the agreement. If I were a true Christian, I would be doing a better job of being a light in a dark place.
That verse is what has caused this in me. This rethinking of my character and of Christianity as a whole because I'm so far from that right now. Sometimes I wish this wasn't so difficult
I want so much to be the person that I was created to be...
...but I can't do it alone.
And if I know that, why do I continue to try to do it by myself?
-I'm stubborn
-I'm hurting
-I see what I think are injustices and everything in my human nature tells me how unfair it is
-My pride
-Because I'm self-centered
-I HAVE TRUST ISSUES
-I'm pessimistic
-I don't actually care about people, I just pretend to
-I'm afraid to exceed my own expectations because I don't want to give God the credit because I'm just that amazing
I thought that list would be shorter. I have a lot of work to do....God and I have a lot of work to do.
"Don’t teach me about loving my enemies
Don’t teach me how to listen to the Spirit
Just give me a new law"
-Derek Webb
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Leave it up to me to burden you again, but this one's not your fault...
I guess I need to add some background to this. Luckily, the 3 people that I'm gonna talk about here probably don't read this, but if they do, I hope they realize exactly what is going on with me. And for the record, the song lyrics have never been perfect until now.
And for the record, I can't believe I'm actually putting this out there for all my youth to read or at least have the chance to read.... here's what my life is like...
Last year at this time I had two loves in my life. Well, female loves at least. And there was a third girl who was almost in that group. She's still on that line. There's no point in using names since a lot of you know who I'll be talking about. at least for the most part. At this point I don't know where to start. This isn't interactive, so I suppose I'll just start with the non-girlfriend one. This is one is a little bit easier.
I had a best friend in high school. Someone that I enjoyed laughing with but most of all, someone I felt safe with. I guess that's what I wanted in a best friend. I think there's a theme in both relationships in that I was naive enough not to see it coming. I guess that is God's sense of humor. But anyway, back to the story. So I have this amazing best friend. And we both have issues. A lot of them and they come from different places. I think that's why we connected in the first place. We could be honest and open and we knew that we still loved each other no matter what was said. That's what I miss. I'd give anything to have that back. They say that after high school, most of your friendships fade away and you can definitely chalk this one up to that idea. However, I always thought that if two people care enough about each other, anything can work. I suppose after all the phone calls that weren't returned, I finally realized what had happened. The first person that I could ever be totally honest with without having to worry about the repercussions is gone.
I've been dreading this part of the blog since I made the decision to type it. I would like to state first that I fully accept the responsibility of what is written here. This is my account of what happened and the aftermath. This is how I feel. If any evidence is in any way misrepresented, please tell me so I can make adequate changes.
I think in a way, I'm still in love with who she was. I still love how she made me feel and I still wish I could have been better to her. But I don't want that person back. I don't know how I didn't see the break up coming. I think She just fell out of love with me, but I don't know for sure. I'm not sure if I'll ever know I had heard of that kind of thing happening, but I never thought that God would let that happen to me. I wonder if things would have been different if she had told me that. The break-up itself wasn't even the worst part. Everything that happened ever is much worse. I'm finally okay with all that. And I mean everything. Gifts that were exchanged, mistakes that were made, everything. I just hope my bitterness about everything goes away with time. There's a difference between forgiving and forgetting. It makes me wonder how God does it so easily. Very few people knew how bad I felt for having a crush on another girl a couple weeks after the break-up. I guess that's where the third girls comes in, but I'm not there yet. But no matter what happened, I was fighting for the friendship to continue. I was willing to rebuild and move on. I was a sucker the whole time. And I ended up getting things thrown in my face and having to watch the last thing I would have ever wanted to happen manifest itself while only being able to ask myself what I could do to stop it. I still felt responsible for her in a way. And maybe that was wrong of me.
That's just the backstory to what I'm about to say. This is where I finally get to say what I need to say. I'm not sure when it was that she decided to completely disregard the friendship, but I wish she would have told me. Because I fought too long and too hard for something that she knew was never going to happen. And I really want to know what the hell (sorry youth group, that's just how frustrated I am) I did to deserve the looks that I have gotten since my return to Campbell. So if you can answer this, you need to. There's no reason that anyone needs to be uncomfortable in this situation. It's best for both sides if that doesn't happen.
Unfortunately, in losing a romantic relationship, I also ended up losing a friendship in a lot of ways. I definitely lost what I needed in the friendship. And that totally sucks
One thing I'm learning is that God puts us in situations to be great. God knows exactly what we need to grow as people. I just wonder why God put these people in my life only to take them away without warning and leave me so humiliated. I'm struggling to find reason in this madness and I'm hoping this doesn't come back to haunt me...
"I'm in a car underwater with time to kill
Thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me
What hurts more is I would still die for you"
-Armor for sleep
And for the record, I can't believe I'm actually putting this out there for all my youth to read or at least have the chance to read.... here's what my life is like...
Last year at this time I had two loves in my life. Well, female loves at least. And there was a third girl who was almost in that group. She's still on that line. There's no point in using names since a lot of you know who I'll be talking about. at least for the most part. At this point I don't know where to start. This isn't interactive, so I suppose I'll just start with the non-girlfriend one. This is one is a little bit easier.
I had a best friend in high school. Someone that I enjoyed laughing with but most of all, someone I felt safe with. I guess that's what I wanted in a best friend. I think there's a theme in both relationships in that I was naive enough not to see it coming. I guess that is God's sense of humor. But anyway, back to the story. So I have this amazing best friend. And we both have issues. A lot of them and they come from different places. I think that's why we connected in the first place. We could be honest and open and we knew that we still loved each other no matter what was said. That's what I miss. I'd give anything to have that back. They say that after high school, most of your friendships fade away and you can definitely chalk this one up to that idea. However, I always thought that if two people care enough about each other, anything can work. I suppose after all the phone calls that weren't returned, I finally realized what had happened. The first person that I could ever be totally honest with without having to worry about the repercussions is gone.
I've been dreading this part of the blog since I made the decision to type it. I would like to state first that I fully accept the responsibility of what is written here. This is my account of what happened and the aftermath. This is how I feel. If any evidence is in any way misrepresented, please tell me so I can make adequate changes.
I think in a way, I'm still in love with who she was. I still love how she made me feel and I still wish I could have been better to her. But I don't want that person back. I don't know how I didn't see the break up coming. I think She just fell out of love with me, but I don't know for sure. I'm not sure if I'll ever know I had heard of that kind of thing happening, but I never thought that God would let that happen to me. I wonder if things would have been different if she had told me that. The break-up itself wasn't even the worst part. Everything that happened ever is much worse. I'm finally okay with all that. And I mean everything. Gifts that were exchanged, mistakes that were made, everything. I just hope my bitterness about everything goes away with time. There's a difference between forgiving and forgetting. It makes me wonder how God does it so easily. Very few people knew how bad I felt for having a crush on another girl a couple weeks after the break-up. I guess that's where the third girls comes in, but I'm not there yet. But no matter what happened, I was fighting for the friendship to continue. I was willing to rebuild and move on. I was a sucker the whole time. And I ended up getting things thrown in my face and having to watch the last thing I would have ever wanted to happen manifest itself while only being able to ask myself what I could do to stop it. I still felt responsible for her in a way. And maybe that was wrong of me.
That's just the backstory to what I'm about to say. This is where I finally get to say what I need to say. I'm not sure when it was that she decided to completely disregard the friendship, but I wish she would have told me. Because I fought too long and too hard for something that she knew was never going to happen. And I really want to know what the hell (sorry youth group, that's just how frustrated I am) I did to deserve the looks that I have gotten since my return to Campbell. So if you can answer this, you need to. There's no reason that anyone needs to be uncomfortable in this situation. It's best for both sides if that doesn't happen.
Unfortunately, in losing a romantic relationship, I also ended up losing a friendship in a lot of ways. I definitely lost what I needed in the friendship. And that totally sucks
One thing I'm learning is that God puts us in situations to be great. God knows exactly what we need to grow as people. I just wonder why God put these people in my life only to take them away without warning and leave me so humiliated. I'm struggling to find reason in this madness and I'm hoping this doesn't come back to haunt me...
"I'm in a car underwater with time to kill
Thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me
What hurts more is I would still die for you"
-Armor for sleep
Saturday, August 11, 2007
I wanna love you the best that, the best that I can
I'm frustrated.
This week has flown by without remorse. I feel like I haven't moved. The world is spinning too fast for me to keep up. I've got the worst writers block that I have ever had. I can barely pick up a pencil. I'm even struggling to speak. But what's worst of all is that I don't even care.
Oh the irony and apathy.
With all that being said though, I feel like I've taken the biggest steps in my life this week. LOVE IS MY ONLY CONCERN
Now if I could just put that down on paper...
"I'm mixed in this truth my trouble
I'll rest in your arms for awhile
Say you love me
because when I wake up dear
You'll just be an angel and I'm gonna cry"
-Chris Thile
This week has flown by without remorse. I feel like I haven't moved. The world is spinning too fast for me to keep up. I've got the worst writers block that I have ever had. I can barely pick up a pencil. I'm even struggling to speak. But what's worst of all is that I don't even care.
Oh the irony and apathy.
With all that being said though, I feel like I've taken the biggest steps in my life this week. LOVE IS MY ONLY CONCERN
Now if I could just put that down on paper...
"I'm mixed in this truth my trouble
I'll rest in your arms for awhile
Say you love me
because when I wake up dear
You'll just be an angel and I'm gonna cry"
-Chris Thile
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Well I'll stack all my books in perfect rows from the biggest down to the smallest ones
For my evening lesson on Sunday, I decided to dissect a couple of my favorite songs in hopes of providing the youth with music that makes them think about they way they're living. The songs I chose were "Girl America" and "What's a Boy to do?" by Mat Kearney off of his Nothing Left to Lose album.
"Girl America" is a fantastic song. I have played it for people before and it is always leads to the same discussion. This discussion is about how relevant the song is. The song speaks about sex, drugs, alcohol and the obsession with the supermodel body. It's mostly about how those things are part of what Americans are told to be and that's why it applies to everyone.
As much as I love this country and I feel blessed to have been born here, I can't help but be disgusted by the amount of pressure put on teenagers and young adults to be or act a certain way. It's the reason we need organizations like To Write Love on Her Arms (which is a amazing organization and one I support, but we shouldn't have to have it).
The best part of the song is the final verse because throughout the song, Mat sings about how this girl is looking for hope and that he's watching her fight for every breath. When he gets to the final verse, he tells "Girl America" that her hope can be found in Christ. That Christ is her ultimate redemption and that He can give her the fresh start that she's looking for.
We also spoke briefly about "What's a Boy to do?" I most talked about how it's the story of a life that is led by a lot of people. The boy in the song is looking for someone to tell him who he is. He looks to his friends and they are too busy with their own things to worry about his problems. Then he looks to his father for guidance, but his father isn't there for him so he's kind of just drifting. And he finally realizes that he's missing something but doesn't figure out what it is that he's missing until the very end of the song. He then points to Christ as his hope and what he was looking for all along.
I've been a Christian for about 7 years now and I'm still trying to figure out who I am and how I fit into the scheme of things. I still don't even know who Jesus really is. He is who He said He is, but He's so much more. That's the interesting thing about Jesus. His character has been revealed over time, but there's still so much more. I know we'll never figure out exactly who Jesus is while we're on earth and I can't wait to understand everything.
I am "Boy America"
"Girl America" is a fantastic song. I have played it for people before and it is always leads to the same discussion. This discussion is about how relevant the song is. The song speaks about sex, drugs, alcohol and the obsession with the supermodel body. It's mostly about how those things are part of what Americans are told to be and that's why it applies to everyone.
As much as I love this country and I feel blessed to have been born here, I can't help but be disgusted by the amount of pressure put on teenagers and young adults to be or act a certain way. It's the reason we need organizations like To Write Love on Her Arms (which is a amazing organization and one I support, but we shouldn't have to have it).
The best part of the song is the final verse because throughout the song, Mat sings about how this girl is looking for hope and that he's watching her fight for every breath. When he gets to the final verse, he tells "Girl America" that her hope can be found in Christ. That Christ is her ultimate redemption and that He can give her the fresh start that she's looking for.
We also spoke briefly about "What's a Boy to do?" I most talked about how it's the story of a life that is led by a lot of people. The boy in the song is looking for someone to tell him who he is. He looks to his friends and they are too busy with their own things to worry about his problems. Then he looks to his father for guidance, but his father isn't there for him so he's kind of just drifting. And he finally realizes that he's missing something but doesn't figure out what it is that he's missing until the very end of the song. He then points to Christ as his hope and what he was looking for all along.
I've been a Christian for about 7 years now and I'm still trying to figure out who I am and how I fit into the scheme of things. I still don't even know who Jesus really is. He is who He said He is, but He's so much more. That's the interesting thing about Jesus. His character has been revealed over time, but there's still so much more. I know we'll never figure out exactly who Jesus is while we're on earth and I can't wait to understand everything.
I am "Boy America"
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