So, here's the deal. I spend too much money on movies, music, books and video games. There, I said it.
I figured I may as well pick my favorites of the year. I think I'll start with Music. I'll be posting these day by day (hopefully seeing some more movies along the way) so try to stay tuned.
MUSIC
Best Album- Cities by Anberlin
This one is pretty much a toss up between Emery's I'm Only A Man and Anberlin's Cities. I'm going with Cities because I think it was more of a step for Anberlin. This was really the first Anberlin album that I didn't have to grow into. It's a very close choice though and I highly recommend both albums.
Most Surprising Album- Fiends by Chasing Victory
Fiends is about the most I have ever been surprised by an album. Chasing Victory released a great album from beginning to end. There was a lot of experimentation and it was obvious, but it fit well together so there's no point in complaining. Fiends has a darker tone to it but the songs fit together extremely well and it is one of the most enjoyable listening experiences I had this year.
Most Disappointing Album- Singularity by Mae
Now, don't get my wrong, I like this album. It just didn't move anywhere. It feels like The Everglow all over again. It just feels like there is no progression at all. It was extremely disappointing and made this choice an easy one.
Best EP or Soundtrack- Fall EP by Jon Foreman
As of right now, this is probably the best EP I have ever heard. Part of a four part series based on the seasons, Jon Foreman really captures the feelings of Fall on this EP. I was not really surprised by it, just extremely happy with the purchase.
Best Rock Album- Cities by Anberlin
I could say something here, but I would just be restating my comments in the Best Album category.
Best Adult Contemporary/ Acoustic/ Folk album- Learning to Let Go by Corey Crowder
This album came out of no where for me, but this guy is getting some pretty good airplay from MTV and rightfully so. His album is wonderful. This was probably the hardest category for me to choose because of the great albums I bought this year that fall into this group.
The Best Album No One Has Heard Of- Demo by Tyler Burkum
The former guitarist from the recently broken up band Audio Adrenaline is someone a lot of people don't really know. Hopefully after reading this, you'll want to hear his music. It's a very heartfelt, honest album about life, God, and being away from the ones you love. I think we can all relate to his music in one way or another.
The Top 5:
1. Cities by Anberlin
2. I'm Only A Man by Emery
3. Learning to Let Go by Corey Crowder
4. Demo by Tyler Burkum
5. Fiends by Chasing Victory
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
By the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone...
I've been thinking a lot about Overthinking.... (Thanks for dedicating that to me Justin)
I couldn't use that song on my blog though because Justin already has it on his, so I chose another one. I asked myself what it means to "overthink." What am I overthinking about and what am I looking for?
I found that I'm searching for "Clarity"
I'm always thinking about anything and everything. All this thinking can drag me down too. For a long time I could only think about my past relationship and how hurt I was by all that happened. Then it moved to my feelings of abandonment by my old Church (something that hasn't totally left me yet). Now I mostly think about my dreams and aspirations that are directed toward fixing the Church (pretty lofty goal huh?). I think it's because I can't help but ask why these things have happened. I need to know how to handle this type of stuff. Unfortunately, this causes my brain to be filled to the max most of the time and I have to calm down before I can do anything at all.
It's seems like it's been easier to keep a clear head since I finished the semester. Here's to whatever it is I'm searching for.
"I worry
I weigh three times my body
I worry
I throw my fear around
But this morning
There's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain"
-John Mayer
I couldn't use that song on my blog though because Justin already has it on his, so I chose another one. I asked myself what it means to "overthink." What am I overthinking about and what am I looking for?
I found that I'm searching for "Clarity"
I'm always thinking about anything and everything. All this thinking can drag me down too. For a long time I could only think about my past relationship and how hurt I was by all that happened. Then it moved to my feelings of abandonment by my old Church (something that hasn't totally left me yet). Now I mostly think about my dreams and aspirations that are directed toward fixing the Church (pretty lofty goal huh?). I think it's because I can't help but ask why these things have happened. I need to know how to handle this type of stuff. Unfortunately, this causes my brain to be filled to the max most of the time and I have to calm down before I can do anything at all.
It's seems like it's been easier to keep a clear head since I finished the semester. Here's to whatever it is I'm searching for.
"I worry
I weigh three times my body
I worry
I throw my fear around
But this morning
There's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain"
-John Mayer
Monday, November 5, 2007
I've been jumping over alligators, trying to cross the deadly moat...
or "How I came to dislike the Church."
For most of you, this could be the strangest subtitle ever. Yes, I am a youth pastor. Yes, I love my job and the church family I am a part of. This post comes mostly from my experience in other churches, while admitting that my church is definitely part of some of the overall issues. This also comes from conversations with friends and from over 2 years of studying Religion in college and having a chance to look at the Church as a whole from the beginning.
I was cynical at 13. I had to be. I didn't really have a lot of friends in middle school. I was pretty unpopular and middle school is about the worst time to not have a lot of friends. You're really trying to become someone before high school so that you can impress all the new people you meet with all your old friends. A buddy of mine did invite me to his church for a Super Bowl party though. I walked into that church with a chip on my shoulder. I mean, I thought I was a better person than everyone else in that room. I knew who the Christian kids were at my school and I knew how they acted. It was no secret. I grew up in a semi-Christian home. We never really went to church, but I thought Christianity was true. So even if I wasn't a better person than everyone else in the room, at least I didn't carry this religion around and claim to be. In all reality I was just trying to give myself a reason to hate those people before they could hate me. I found quickly that I was dead wrong....at least for a little while.
Church was great at first. I was accepted for the first time in my life. I felt safe. The youth group was what it should have been. It was what I want the youth groups that I lead to be. We were a family. I mean, sure we had our problems, but they were never really serious and they were dealt with quickly. I watched youth group leaders grow up and graduate and leave. Finally, as a junior I began to step into that role as a leader. I had just been called into ministry and things were going great. Looking back, that was the downfall of the group. Our youth group became what the rest of the church is. What most churches are today. All churches have flaws, but why do most of them seem to have the same flaw?
I remember watching the youth group die and thinking that it was all my fault. We went from being the strongest youth group I had ever seen to a clique and outsiders. The clique was run by these two sisters. They were two of the prettier girls in the group and everyone latched onto them. They owned that group. The focus was on them when they were there and when they weren't there (which was a lot more often). The funny thing is that the same thing was happening with the adults. The pastor's wife had worked her way into the main clique and started to control who was in and who was out. I remember watching my mother cry because that *woman* thanked everyone who had helped that night except her. And we wonder why so many people leave the Church or become agnostic or atheists. Can we really blame them? And then why do we hear about how great we are because we believe and they don't from the pulpit. It's not always direct, but it is said a lot.
I have met far too many people who tell me that they don't feel accepted in the Church. Too many have left in high school and college for the party scene because they feel accepted there. Instead of being ourselves at church we are forced to put on masks because "you have to be happy if you're a Christian." That's bull and I'm sick of it.
It's sad when a youth pastor is fired for befriending someone who is "sinful" without a purpose of bringing them to Christ. It's sad when a girl in a youth group starts partying because that is where she feels accepted. It's sad that we drive people away who just want to serve. It's sad what the Church has become in America.
Why has all this happened though? Maybe it's because the American Church doesn't seem to have a real message anymore. Or maybe it's because the Church is becoming outdated.
It IS because people have chosen to live out their "Christian lives" at church and their "regular lives" the rest of the time. Maybe that's why I'm forced to smile all the time when I'm at church. American Christians have become so obsessed with ourselves that we forget to focus on what Christ wants us to do or how Christ would want us to act. We've become so focused on procedure that we've forgotten to love.
I don't really have an answer for any of this, but I'll let you know if I come up with one.
"What a prosperous, wondrous place
Remember to say grace before we scrape our plates
And ignore the crying outside the door sure
You’ll pray for their burdens but you don’t want to make it yours
Thin lines divide but there’s a world of difference
So crawl back into your happy existence and feel the bliss of ignorance keep you warm"
-John Reuben
For most of you, this could be the strangest subtitle ever. Yes, I am a youth pastor. Yes, I love my job and the church family I am a part of. This post comes mostly from my experience in other churches, while admitting that my church is definitely part of some of the overall issues. This also comes from conversations with friends and from over 2 years of studying Religion in college and having a chance to look at the Church as a whole from the beginning.
I was cynical at 13. I had to be. I didn't really have a lot of friends in middle school. I was pretty unpopular and middle school is about the worst time to not have a lot of friends. You're really trying to become someone before high school so that you can impress all the new people you meet with all your old friends. A buddy of mine did invite me to his church for a Super Bowl party though. I walked into that church with a chip on my shoulder. I mean, I thought I was a better person than everyone else in that room. I knew who the Christian kids were at my school and I knew how they acted. It was no secret. I grew up in a semi-Christian home. We never really went to church, but I thought Christianity was true. So even if I wasn't a better person than everyone else in the room, at least I didn't carry this religion around and claim to be. In all reality I was just trying to give myself a reason to hate those people before they could hate me. I found quickly that I was dead wrong....at least for a little while.
Church was great at first. I was accepted for the first time in my life. I felt safe. The youth group was what it should have been. It was what I want the youth groups that I lead to be. We were a family. I mean, sure we had our problems, but they were never really serious and they were dealt with quickly. I watched youth group leaders grow up and graduate and leave. Finally, as a junior I began to step into that role as a leader. I had just been called into ministry and things were going great. Looking back, that was the downfall of the group. Our youth group became what the rest of the church is. What most churches are today. All churches have flaws, but why do most of them seem to have the same flaw?
I remember watching the youth group die and thinking that it was all my fault. We went from being the strongest youth group I had ever seen to a clique and outsiders. The clique was run by these two sisters. They were two of the prettier girls in the group and everyone latched onto them. They owned that group. The focus was on them when they were there and when they weren't there (which was a lot more often). The funny thing is that the same thing was happening with the adults. The pastor's wife had worked her way into the main clique and started to control who was in and who was out. I remember watching my mother cry because that *woman* thanked everyone who had helped that night except her. And we wonder why so many people leave the Church or become agnostic or atheists. Can we really blame them? And then why do we hear about how great we are because we believe and they don't from the pulpit. It's not always direct, but it is said a lot.
I have met far too many people who tell me that they don't feel accepted in the Church. Too many have left in high school and college for the party scene because they feel accepted there. Instead of being ourselves at church we are forced to put on masks because "you have to be happy if you're a Christian." That's bull and I'm sick of it.
It's sad when a youth pastor is fired for befriending someone who is "sinful" without a purpose of bringing them to Christ. It's sad when a girl in a youth group starts partying because that is where she feels accepted. It's sad that we drive people away who just want to serve. It's sad what the Church has become in America.
Why has all this happened though? Maybe it's because the American Church doesn't seem to have a real message anymore. Or maybe it's because the Church is becoming outdated.
It IS because people have chosen to live out their "Christian lives" at church and their "regular lives" the rest of the time. Maybe that's why I'm forced to smile all the time when I'm at church. American Christians have become so obsessed with ourselves that we forget to focus on what Christ wants us to do or how Christ would want us to act. We've become so focused on procedure that we've forgotten to love.
I don't really have an answer for any of this, but I'll let you know if I come up with one.
"What a prosperous, wondrous place
Remember to say grace before we scrape our plates
And ignore the crying outside the door sure
You’ll pray for their burdens but you don’t want to make it yours
Thin lines divide but there’s a world of difference
So crawl back into your happy existence and feel the bliss of ignorance keep you warm"
-John Reuben
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Thursday Sports Day
I'm going to do a better job of updating this. I still have a lot to say, just not a lot of time to say it. Youth ministry, school and having an amazing girlfriend leaves you little time for much else. The only breaks I get are for skate. and COLLEGE FOOTBALL.
So, Thursday is now Sports Day here and that means that I'm giving you guys a list of 10 thoughts I have about athletics.
1. South Florida should be #1 in the polls. I hope to see them in the BCS National Championship game.
2. Kentucky is goooooood. But who doesn't know this already? That LSU game was not a fluke. However, Urban Meyer is great coming off the bye week. Anytime he has more than a week to prepare, his team comes out really strong. See 2007 National Championship Game Ohio State vs. Florida. So I'm picking the Gators by 2 touchdowns.
3. Back to South Florida. The Rutgers vs. USF game tonight is huge. Could the game of the year.
4. Switching gears...Go Rockies! I mean, seriously, who saw this coming? Put your hands down. I know you didn't.
5. Back to South Florida, but this time to that horrid Miami Dolphins team. I mean it's pretty bad when you're the doormat of the AFC East. Miami is 0-6, New York is 1-5, Buffalo is 1-5. But the Patriots are 6-0.
6. I don't see the Patriots losing a game this year...that's right, I said it.
7. I don't think there will be an undefeated team in NCAA Football this year. USF has the 12th toughest schedule in the nation and BC really isn't that good. Ohio State plays a fairly tough schedule for the rest of the year. All their remaining opponents are 5-2 right now.
8. I think Jeff Gordon wins at least one more race and the Championship.
9. I need to pay attention to hockey more than I have been. The Canes are a sleeper pick to go deep into the playoffs.
10. I knew Marion Jones used steroids and she deserves to lose her medals.
My non-sports thoughts for today:
-Blue Like Jazz is fantastic. Go buy it.
-School+ work+ amazing girlfriend= no time
-This will be the only blog that doesn't have lyrics and such. So don't miss them too much.
So, Thursday is now Sports Day here and that means that I'm giving you guys a list of 10 thoughts I have about athletics.
1. South Florida should be #1 in the polls. I hope to see them in the BCS National Championship game.
2. Kentucky is goooooood. But who doesn't know this already? That LSU game was not a fluke. However, Urban Meyer is great coming off the bye week. Anytime he has more than a week to prepare, his team comes out really strong. See 2007 National Championship Game Ohio State vs. Florida. So I'm picking the Gators by 2 touchdowns.
3. Back to South Florida. The Rutgers vs. USF game tonight is huge. Could the game of the year.
4. Switching gears...Go Rockies! I mean, seriously, who saw this coming? Put your hands down. I know you didn't.
5. Back to South Florida, but this time to that horrid Miami Dolphins team. I mean it's pretty bad when you're the doormat of the AFC East. Miami is 0-6, New York is 1-5, Buffalo is 1-5. But the Patriots are 6-0.
6. I don't see the Patriots losing a game this year...that's right, I said it.
7. I don't think there will be an undefeated team in NCAA Football this year. USF has the 12th toughest schedule in the nation and BC really isn't that good. Ohio State plays a fairly tough schedule for the rest of the year. All their remaining opponents are 5-2 right now.
8. I think Jeff Gordon wins at least one more race and the Championship.
9. I need to pay attention to hockey more than I have been. The Canes are a sleeper pick to go deep into the playoffs.
10. I knew Marion Jones used steroids and she deserves to lose her medals.
My non-sports thoughts for today:
-Blue Like Jazz is fantastic. Go buy it.
-School+ work+ amazing girlfriend= no time
-This will be the only blog that doesn't have lyrics and such. So don't miss them too much.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Oh, I'm never speaking up again
I feel like I don't even know who reads this thing. But I hope you all enjoy it. In hopes of something more lighthearted, I feel like this could give me the chance to get to know some of my readers.
I have decided to give 5 random facts about me and then a story that has affected the way I view the world. Obviously, this blog is a collection of stories and questions, but the goal is to lead by example and give everyone who reads this a chance to respond. And hopefully, form stronger relationships with my readers through that and hopefully get invited to lunch.
Here are my facts:
1. When I was in middle school I replaced TRL in my afternoon TV lineup with Oprah.
2. I have a secret love for interior design
3. Reese Witherspoon's accent in Walk the Line makes me love her.
4. I want to live in Charleston, SC
5. My first two CDs were Matchbox 20's "Yourself or Someone Like You" and Aerosmith's "Nine Lives." I still listen to both.
Now to the story. I don't know how to approach this. I'm trying to think of a good story to tell. But it's late. Hmm...
The first time I ever heard God speak through my mouth was something I'll never forget. I remember sitting on a hill with someone I miss dearly (who has never been mentioned in this blog) and just talking and not having any idea what I was actually saying until much later. And feeling the satisfaction of knowing that God really does care about me and uses me when I'm open to it. That relates to me right now because it's the point I'm trying to return to. I don't feel all that close to God right now and I'm doing anything I can to get back to where I want to be. That night keeps me hanging on. Maybe sitting in the grass is exactly what I need....
And I can't wait to read your 5 random facts and your story.
"I need you here with me
Cause love is all we need
Just take a hold of the hand that breaks the fall
Well I know what I've been told
Gotta break free to break the mold
But I can't do this all on my own
No I can't do this all on my own
I know that I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman"
-Lazlo Bane
I have decided to give 5 random facts about me and then a story that has affected the way I view the world. Obviously, this blog is a collection of stories and questions, but the goal is to lead by example and give everyone who reads this a chance to respond. And hopefully, form stronger relationships with my readers through that and hopefully get invited to lunch.
Here are my facts:
1. When I was in middle school I replaced TRL in my afternoon TV lineup with Oprah.
2. I have a secret love for interior design
3. Reese Witherspoon's accent in Walk the Line makes me love her.
4. I want to live in Charleston, SC
5. My first two CDs were Matchbox 20's "Yourself or Someone Like You" and Aerosmith's "Nine Lives." I still listen to both.
Now to the story. I don't know how to approach this. I'm trying to think of a good story to tell. But it's late. Hmm...
The first time I ever heard God speak through my mouth was something I'll never forget. I remember sitting on a hill with someone I miss dearly (who has never been mentioned in this blog) and just talking and not having any idea what I was actually saying until much later. And feeling the satisfaction of knowing that God really does care about me and uses me when I'm open to it. That relates to me right now because it's the point I'm trying to return to. I don't feel all that close to God right now and I'm doing anything I can to get back to where I want to be. That night keeps me hanging on. Maybe sitting in the grass is exactly what I need....
And I can't wait to read your 5 random facts and your story.
"I need you here with me
Cause love is all we need
Just take a hold of the hand that breaks the fall
Well I know what I've been told
Gotta break free to break the mold
But I can't do this all on my own
No I can't do this all on my own
I know that I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman"
-Lazlo Bane
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
If there's a master of death, I bet he's holding his breath because I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power
"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?"
-Matthew 5: 43-47
I struggle with this....and I want to get over it. I'll do anything. Imagine that would do.
The quote above comes from a Nickel Creek song entitled "Doubting Thomas." It just rings true right now. To me, it says two things. Either a) that my struggle to truly preach the gospel with my life is due to the fact that I don't know what to do when I'm presented with an opportunity to be the person I was created to be or b) that I'm so self-centered that I lead people away from my lifeforce.
I don't believe in predestination. I believe that my God-given free will has a direct effect on eternity. And I thank the Creator for allowing me to be part of his good work. That is to say that I have not been holding up my part of the agreement. If I were a true Christian, I would be doing a better job of being a light in a dark place.
That verse is what has caused this in me. This rethinking of my character and of Christianity as a whole because I'm so far from that right now. Sometimes I wish this wasn't so difficult
I want so much to be the person that I was created to be...
...but I can't do it alone.
And if I know that, why do I continue to try to do it by myself?
-I'm stubborn
-I'm hurting
-I see what I think are injustices and everything in my human nature tells me how unfair it is
-My pride
-Because I'm self-centered
-I HAVE TRUST ISSUES
-I'm pessimistic
-I don't actually care about people, I just pretend to
-I'm afraid to exceed my own expectations because I don't want to give God the credit because I'm just that amazing
I thought that list would be shorter. I have a lot of work to do....God and I have a lot of work to do.
"Don’t teach me about loving my enemies
Don’t teach me how to listen to the Spirit
Just give me a new law"
-Derek Webb
-Matthew 5: 43-47
I struggle with this....and I want to get over it. I'll do anything. Imagine that would do.
The quote above comes from a Nickel Creek song entitled "Doubting Thomas." It just rings true right now. To me, it says two things. Either a) that my struggle to truly preach the gospel with my life is due to the fact that I don't know what to do when I'm presented with an opportunity to be the person I was created to be or b) that I'm so self-centered that I lead people away from my lifeforce.
I don't believe in predestination. I believe that my God-given free will has a direct effect on eternity. And I thank the Creator for allowing me to be part of his good work. That is to say that I have not been holding up my part of the agreement. If I were a true Christian, I would be doing a better job of being a light in a dark place.
That verse is what has caused this in me. This rethinking of my character and of Christianity as a whole because I'm so far from that right now. Sometimes I wish this wasn't so difficult
I want so much to be the person that I was created to be...
...but I can't do it alone.
And if I know that, why do I continue to try to do it by myself?
-I'm stubborn
-I'm hurting
-I see what I think are injustices and everything in my human nature tells me how unfair it is
-My pride
-Because I'm self-centered
-I HAVE TRUST ISSUES
-I'm pessimistic
-I don't actually care about people, I just pretend to
-I'm afraid to exceed my own expectations because I don't want to give God the credit because I'm just that amazing
I thought that list would be shorter. I have a lot of work to do....God and I have a lot of work to do.
"Don’t teach me about loving my enemies
Don’t teach me how to listen to the Spirit
Just give me a new law"
-Derek Webb
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Leave it up to me to burden you again, but this one's not your fault...
I guess I need to add some background to this. Luckily, the 3 people that I'm gonna talk about here probably don't read this, but if they do, I hope they realize exactly what is going on with me. And for the record, the song lyrics have never been perfect until now.
And for the record, I can't believe I'm actually putting this out there for all my youth to read or at least have the chance to read.... here's what my life is like...
Last year at this time I had two loves in my life. Well, female loves at least. And there was a third girl who was almost in that group. She's still on that line. There's no point in using names since a lot of you know who I'll be talking about. at least for the most part. At this point I don't know where to start. This isn't interactive, so I suppose I'll just start with the non-girlfriend one. This is one is a little bit easier.
I had a best friend in high school. Someone that I enjoyed laughing with but most of all, someone I felt safe with. I guess that's what I wanted in a best friend. I think there's a theme in both relationships in that I was naive enough not to see it coming. I guess that is God's sense of humor. But anyway, back to the story. So I have this amazing best friend. And we both have issues. A lot of them and they come from different places. I think that's why we connected in the first place. We could be honest and open and we knew that we still loved each other no matter what was said. That's what I miss. I'd give anything to have that back. They say that after high school, most of your friendships fade away and you can definitely chalk this one up to that idea. However, I always thought that if two people care enough about each other, anything can work. I suppose after all the phone calls that weren't returned, I finally realized what had happened. The first person that I could ever be totally honest with without having to worry about the repercussions is gone.
I've been dreading this part of the blog since I made the decision to type it. I would like to state first that I fully accept the responsibility of what is written here. This is my account of what happened and the aftermath. This is how I feel. If any evidence is in any way misrepresented, please tell me so I can make adequate changes.
I think in a way, I'm still in love with who she was. I still love how she made me feel and I still wish I could have been better to her. But I don't want that person back. I don't know how I didn't see the break up coming. I think She just fell out of love with me, but I don't know for sure. I'm not sure if I'll ever know I had heard of that kind of thing happening, but I never thought that God would let that happen to me. I wonder if things would have been different if she had told me that. The break-up itself wasn't even the worst part. Everything that happened ever is much worse. I'm finally okay with all that. And I mean everything. Gifts that were exchanged, mistakes that were made, everything. I just hope my bitterness about everything goes away with time. There's a difference between forgiving and forgetting. It makes me wonder how God does it so easily. Very few people knew how bad I felt for having a crush on another girl a couple weeks after the break-up. I guess that's where the third girls comes in, but I'm not there yet. But no matter what happened, I was fighting for the friendship to continue. I was willing to rebuild and move on. I was a sucker the whole time. And I ended up getting things thrown in my face and having to watch the last thing I would have ever wanted to happen manifest itself while only being able to ask myself what I could do to stop it. I still felt responsible for her in a way. And maybe that was wrong of me.
That's just the backstory to what I'm about to say. This is where I finally get to say what I need to say. I'm not sure when it was that she decided to completely disregard the friendship, but I wish she would have told me. Because I fought too long and too hard for something that she knew was never going to happen. And I really want to know what the hell (sorry youth group, that's just how frustrated I am) I did to deserve the looks that I have gotten since my return to Campbell. So if you can answer this, you need to. There's no reason that anyone needs to be uncomfortable in this situation. It's best for both sides if that doesn't happen.
Unfortunately, in losing a romantic relationship, I also ended up losing a friendship in a lot of ways. I definitely lost what I needed in the friendship. And that totally sucks
One thing I'm learning is that God puts us in situations to be great. God knows exactly what we need to grow as people. I just wonder why God put these people in my life only to take them away without warning and leave me so humiliated. I'm struggling to find reason in this madness and I'm hoping this doesn't come back to haunt me...
"I'm in a car underwater with time to kill
Thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me
What hurts more is I would still die for you"
-Armor for sleep
And for the record, I can't believe I'm actually putting this out there for all my youth to read or at least have the chance to read.... here's what my life is like...
Last year at this time I had two loves in my life. Well, female loves at least. And there was a third girl who was almost in that group. She's still on that line. There's no point in using names since a lot of you know who I'll be talking about. at least for the most part. At this point I don't know where to start. This isn't interactive, so I suppose I'll just start with the non-girlfriend one. This is one is a little bit easier.
I had a best friend in high school. Someone that I enjoyed laughing with but most of all, someone I felt safe with. I guess that's what I wanted in a best friend. I think there's a theme in both relationships in that I was naive enough not to see it coming. I guess that is God's sense of humor. But anyway, back to the story. So I have this amazing best friend. And we both have issues. A lot of them and they come from different places. I think that's why we connected in the first place. We could be honest and open and we knew that we still loved each other no matter what was said. That's what I miss. I'd give anything to have that back. They say that after high school, most of your friendships fade away and you can definitely chalk this one up to that idea. However, I always thought that if two people care enough about each other, anything can work. I suppose after all the phone calls that weren't returned, I finally realized what had happened. The first person that I could ever be totally honest with without having to worry about the repercussions is gone.
I've been dreading this part of the blog since I made the decision to type it. I would like to state first that I fully accept the responsibility of what is written here. This is my account of what happened and the aftermath. This is how I feel. If any evidence is in any way misrepresented, please tell me so I can make adequate changes.
I think in a way, I'm still in love with who she was. I still love how she made me feel and I still wish I could have been better to her. But I don't want that person back. I don't know how I didn't see the break up coming. I think She just fell out of love with me, but I don't know for sure. I'm not sure if I'll ever know I had heard of that kind of thing happening, but I never thought that God would let that happen to me. I wonder if things would have been different if she had told me that. The break-up itself wasn't even the worst part. Everything that happened ever is much worse. I'm finally okay with all that. And I mean everything. Gifts that were exchanged, mistakes that were made, everything. I just hope my bitterness about everything goes away with time. There's a difference between forgiving and forgetting. It makes me wonder how God does it so easily. Very few people knew how bad I felt for having a crush on another girl a couple weeks after the break-up. I guess that's where the third girls comes in, but I'm not there yet. But no matter what happened, I was fighting for the friendship to continue. I was willing to rebuild and move on. I was a sucker the whole time. And I ended up getting things thrown in my face and having to watch the last thing I would have ever wanted to happen manifest itself while only being able to ask myself what I could do to stop it. I still felt responsible for her in a way. And maybe that was wrong of me.
That's just the backstory to what I'm about to say. This is where I finally get to say what I need to say. I'm not sure when it was that she decided to completely disregard the friendship, but I wish she would have told me. Because I fought too long and too hard for something that she knew was never going to happen. And I really want to know what the hell (sorry youth group, that's just how frustrated I am) I did to deserve the looks that I have gotten since my return to Campbell. So if you can answer this, you need to. There's no reason that anyone needs to be uncomfortable in this situation. It's best for both sides if that doesn't happen.
Unfortunately, in losing a romantic relationship, I also ended up losing a friendship in a lot of ways. I definitely lost what I needed in the friendship. And that totally sucks
One thing I'm learning is that God puts us in situations to be great. God knows exactly what we need to grow as people. I just wonder why God put these people in my life only to take them away without warning and leave me so humiliated. I'm struggling to find reason in this madness and I'm hoping this doesn't come back to haunt me...
"I'm in a car underwater with time to kill
Thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me
What hurts more is I would still die for you"
-Armor for sleep
Saturday, August 11, 2007
I wanna love you the best that, the best that I can
I'm frustrated.
This week has flown by without remorse. I feel like I haven't moved. The world is spinning too fast for me to keep up. I've got the worst writers block that I have ever had. I can barely pick up a pencil. I'm even struggling to speak. But what's worst of all is that I don't even care.
Oh the irony and apathy.
With all that being said though, I feel like I've taken the biggest steps in my life this week. LOVE IS MY ONLY CONCERN
Now if I could just put that down on paper...
"I'm mixed in this truth my trouble
I'll rest in your arms for awhile
Say you love me
because when I wake up dear
You'll just be an angel and I'm gonna cry"
-Chris Thile
This week has flown by without remorse. I feel like I haven't moved. The world is spinning too fast for me to keep up. I've got the worst writers block that I have ever had. I can barely pick up a pencil. I'm even struggling to speak. But what's worst of all is that I don't even care.
Oh the irony and apathy.
With all that being said though, I feel like I've taken the biggest steps in my life this week. LOVE IS MY ONLY CONCERN
Now if I could just put that down on paper...
"I'm mixed in this truth my trouble
I'll rest in your arms for awhile
Say you love me
because when I wake up dear
You'll just be an angel and I'm gonna cry"
-Chris Thile
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Well I'll stack all my books in perfect rows from the biggest down to the smallest ones
For my evening lesson on Sunday, I decided to dissect a couple of my favorite songs in hopes of providing the youth with music that makes them think about they way they're living. The songs I chose were "Girl America" and "What's a Boy to do?" by Mat Kearney off of his Nothing Left to Lose album.
"Girl America" is a fantastic song. I have played it for people before and it is always leads to the same discussion. This discussion is about how relevant the song is. The song speaks about sex, drugs, alcohol and the obsession with the supermodel body. It's mostly about how those things are part of what Americans are told to be and that's why it applies to everyone.
As much as I love this country and I feel blessed to have been born here, I can't help but be disgusted by the amount of pressure put on teenagers and young adults to be or act a certain way. It's the reason we need organizations like To Write Love on Her Arms (which is a amazing organization and one I support, but we shouldn't have to have it).
The best part of the song is the final verse because throughout the song, Mat sings about how this girl is looking for hope and that he's watching her fight for every breath. When he gets to the final verse, he tells "Girl America" that her hope can be found in Christ. That Christ is her ultimate redemption and that He can give her the fresh start that she's looking for.
We also spoke briefly about "What's a Boy to do?" I most talked about how it's the story of a life that is led by a lot of people. The boy in the song is looking for someone to tell him who he is. He looks to his friends and they are too busy with their own things to worry about his problems. Then he looks to his father for guidance, but his father isn't there for him so he's kind of just drifting. And he finally realizes that he's missing something but doesn't figure out what it is that he's missing until the very end of the song. He then points to Christ as his hope and what he was looking for all along.
I've been a Christian for about 7 years now and I'm still trying to figure out who I am and how I fit into the scheme of things. I still don't even know who Jesus really is. He is who He said He is, but He's so much more. That's the interesting thing about Jesus. His character has been revealed over time, but there's still so much more. I know we'll never figure out exactly who Jesus is while we're on earth and I can't wait to understand everything.
I am "Boy America"
"Girl America" is a fantastic song. I have played it for people before and it is always leads to the same discussion. This discussion is about how relevant the song is. The song speaks about sex, drugs, alcohol and the obsession with the supermodel body. It's mostly about how those things are part of what Americans are told to be and that's why it applies to everyone.
As much as I love this country and I feel blessed to have been born here, I can't help but be disgusted by the amount of pressure put on teenagers and young adults to be or act a certain way. It's the reason we need organizations like To Write Love on Her Arms (which is a amazing organization and one I support, but we shouldn't have to have it).
The best part of the song is the final verse because throughout the song, Mat sings about how this girl is looking for hope and that he's watching her fight for every breath. When he gets to the final verse, he tells "Girl America" that her hope can be found in Christ. That Christ is her ultimate redemption and that He can give her the fresh start that she's looking for.
We also spoke briefly about "What's a Boy to do?" I most talked about how it's the story of a life that is led by a lot of people. The boy in the song is looking for someone to tell him who he is. He looks to his friends and they are too busy with their own things to worry about his problems. Then he looks to his father for guidance, but his father isn't there for him so he's kind of just drifting. And he finally realizes that he's missing something but doesn't figure out what it is that he's missing until the very end of the song. He then points to Christ as his hope and what he was looking for all along.
I've been a Christian for about 7 years now and I'm still trying to figure out who I am and how I fit into the scheme of things. I still don't even know who Jesus really is. He is who He said He is, but He's so much more. That's the interesting thing about Jesus. His character has been revealed over time, but there's still so much more. I know we'll never figure out exactly who Jesus is while we're on earth and I can't wait to understand everything.
I am "Boy America"
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
What is this? Hey what's the deal? I don't sleep around and I don't steal...
I have never been so confused in my life. I've always been told that thinking about things just screws everything up. It's never been more true than now.
Jesus says and does some radical things in the New Testament. That's for sure. He speaks about being "born again," he speaks of women's rights way before the idea was even conceived, and he hung out with tax collectors (who were even more despised at the time than Barry Bonds is now, and they didn't even do steroids). Jesus saves his most radical statement for a rich young man who wants to follow him:
Mark 10: 21(NIV) says "Jesus looked at him and loved him. 'One thing you lack,' he said. 'Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'"
This guy wanted to follow Jesus. He wanted to inherit eternal life. So he asked Jesus what he has to do. Jesus' response is to follow the commandments. The rich young man responds in a way I think most Christians would respond. He says that he's kept those commandments as best he could. And then Jesus drops the bomb. Sell everything you have and give it to the poor.
What am I doing with this verse? What can I do with this verse?
I think I'm so confused because I've never heard a sermon on selling everything you have and giving it to the poor. We've been spoiled by America. America is about success. How much money do you have? What kind of car do you drive? How big is your house? Where do you buy your clothes? When I was in middle school, all the "cool" kids wore Abercrombie and Fitch clothes. It was how they measured themselves I suppose. I have some rich family members who drive Lexus vehicles and live in big houses. It's how they measure themselves against everyone else. I buy Lucky Brand Jeans, Rainbow sandals, Puma shoes, Fossil watches, and Hurley t-shirts. It's how I measure myself....I suppose.
I've been reading Shane Claiborne's Irresistible Revolution and he emphasizes this verse a lot. The book thus far is about this verse. But he makes it seem like this verse is the only way to find Jesus, and that's what I'm struggling with. I just don't feel called to sell everything I own and give it to the poor. I don't feel called to give up all my financial security. And maybe it's because I don't trust God like I should or maybe it's because God created me for something different. I mean, even if I did, I wouldn't know who to give the money to. It's not like homeless people are the most trustworthy people on the planet. And it's not like I see the homeless all the time. Holly Springs isn't exactly the "hobo hotspot" of NC.
What am I supposed to do with this verse? Maybe I was created to tell people to follow it. And maybe cut down on my spending a little bit so I can give a little more.
"Come on and follow me
but sell your house, sell your SUV,
sell your stocks, sell your security
and give it to the poor"
-Derek Webb
Viva Revolution
Jesus says and does some radical things in the New Testament. That's for sure. He speaks about being "born again," he speaks of women's rights way before the idea was even conceived, and he hung out with tax collectors (who were even more despised at the time than Barry Bonds is now, and they didn't even do steroids). Jesus saves his most radical statement for a rich young man who wants to follow him:
Mark 10: 21(NIV) says "Jesus looked at him and loved him. 'One thing you lack,' he said. 'Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'"
This guy wanted to follow Jesus. He wanted to inherit eternal life. So he asked Jesus what he has to do. Jesus' response is to follow the commandments. The rich young man responds in a way I think most Christians would respond. He says that he's kept those commandments as best he could. And then Jesus drops the bomb. Sell everything you have and give it to the poor.
What am I doing with this verse? What can I do with this verse?
I think I'm so confused because I've never heard a sermon on selling everything you have and giving it to the poor. We've been spoiled by America. America is about success. How much money do you have? What kind of car do you drive? How big is your house? Where do you buy your clothes? When I was in middle school, all the "cool" kids wore Abercrombie and Fitch clothes. It was how they measured themselves I suppose. I have some rich family members who drive Lexus vehicles and live in big houses. It's how they measure themselves against everyone else. I buy Lucky Brand Jeans, Rainbow sandals, Puma shoes, Fossil watches, and Hurley t-shirts. It's how I measure myself....I suppose.
I've been reading Shane Claiborne's Irresistible Revolution and he emphasizes this verse a lot. The book thus far is about this verse. But he makes it seem like this verse is the only way to find Jesus, and that's what I'm struggling with. I just don't feel called to sell everything I own and give it to the poor. I don't feel called to give up all my financial security. And maybe it's because I don't trust God like I should or maybe it's because God created me for something different. I mean, even if I did, I wouldn't know who to give the money to. It's not like homeless people are the most trustworthy people on the planet. And it's not like I see the homeless all the time. Holly Springs isn't exactly the "hobo hotspot" of NC.
What am I supposed to do with this verse? Maybe I was created to tell people to follow it. And maybe cut down on my spending a little bit so I can give a little more.
"Come on and follow me
but sell your house, sell your SUV,
sell your stocks, sell your security
and give it to the poor"
-Derek Webb
Viva Revolution
Friday, June 29, 2007
How long must I always remember all that want to forget?
There are so many things I don't understand. Many of which will come about later I'm sure. One, however, seems to be at the forefront. I cannot understand why I am finally over a past relationship, but I have no desire to date. I refuse to settle. I'm just trying to find someone that fits me. With all that said, I can't help but feel an intense loneliness. It reminds me too much of high school. I mean, I'm happy aside from this. I suppose I must focus on the good to overcome what is plaguing me.
Would it be too much to throw a little female companionship my way though?
"Take my hands and eyes, but I beg you this:
Offer me one kiss."
-Emery
Would it be too much to throw a little female companionship my way though?
"Take my hands and eyes, but I beg you this:
Offer me one kiss."
-Emery
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Well half way down is half way out of here.
At this point, I don't really have much to say. It's been a long time since I've written here. Probably since I haven't had much to say. Maybe I'll get around to saying something tonight or a few days later or something. Who knows.
I think the only reason I feel like getting some thoughts out tonight is because of the inner turmoil that overwhelms me. I never wanted to accept that a friendship had died. But it has. It died a long time ago. And I spent time trying to save it after it was dead. I think it's almost like a doctor digging a person up and trying to revive him. The left side of the body, which admittedly is not as strong fights for life while the right side just lays there motionless. That left side finally realizes what has happened and is totally crushed at what it has lost. Maybe it was the left side's fault all along...
Emery has a song called "Miss Behavin" that says that "hope is deceiving, it spreads like a cancer." As far as I can tell, the left side died because this cancer consumed it. So ultimately, the friendship is dead and may never be revived.
And if you're reading this, I hope you know that I tried. I really did. I just wish you had tried as hard as I did. I'm sorry I had to give up.
It feels good to get this out. Unfortunately, it probably only makes sense to me right now. And I think that's okay. And I'm okay. I have been for a while. And it's a blessing.
"She says today is gonna be the last time
and I know there's never gonna be an easy way out"
-Mat Kearney
I think the only reason I feel like getting some thoughts out tonight is because of the inner turmoil that overwhelms me. I never wanted to accept that a friendship had died. But it has. It died a long time ago. And I spent time trying to save it after it was dead. I think it's almost like a doctor digging a person up and trying to revive him. The left side of the body, which admittedly is not as strong fights for life while the right side just lays there motionless. That left side finally realizes what has happened and is totally crushed at what it has lost. Maybe it was the left side's fault all along...
Emery has a song called "Miss Behavin" that says that "hope is deceiving, it spreads like a cancer." As far as I can tell, the left side died because this cancer consumed it. So ultimately, the friendship is dead and may never be revived.
And if you're reading this, I hope you know that I tried. I really did. I just wish you had tried as hard as I did. I'm sorry I had to give up.
It feels good to get this out. Unfortunately, it probably only makes sense to me right now. And I think that's okay. And I'm okay. I have been for a while. And it's a blessing.
"She says today is gonna be the last time
and I know there's never gonna be an easy way out"
-Mat Kearney
Thursday, March 1, 2007
"And with your final heartbeat, kiss the world goodbye...
...then go in peace and laugh on glory's side"
I was talking with a friend the other day and I made a comment about how excited I was to find find the woman I wish to spend the rest of my life with. I haven't found her yet, but the idea that I have the potential to do so. To know that she's out there is such an amazing thought. I've always wondered if she already knows that she wants to marry me, but just hasn't told me yet. Like she's waiting for me to say something about how excited I am. I hardly believe thats true though. But, if you're reading this, I'm excited to meet you.
But that's definitely not the point of this post by any means.
The whole idea for this post resolves around the conversation we had and what was said. My friend said he had heard a speaker say once that we spend too much time looking toward the future that we don't realize how good we are doing at the time. At first, it was a good point. I mean, I'm doing better than I was so I don't really need to think about how happy I'll be with my wife. I should concentrate on the present. But the more I think about it, the more I think we have to concentrate on the future. We have to strive for something. And how can I not look to the future when I know that heaven is waiting for me. I mean, I'm not trying to speed up the process by any means, but I know that it's waiting for me. Sometimes, it seems like I should do something to get there. I mean, how amazing would it be to finally be permanently okay. We can't achieve that by ourselves. Pain will be gone one day. Finally, it will be gone.
"No more war,
there won't be anymore hunger,
no jealousy,
not even competition."
-Matisyahu
It's an interesting thought really. There will be peace one day.
I was talking with a friend the other day and I made a comment about how excited I was to find find the woman I wish to spend the rest of my life with. I haven't found her yet, but the idea that I have the potential to do so. To know that she's out there is such an amazing thought. I've always wondered if she already knows that she wants to marry me, but just hasn't told me yet. Like she's waiting for me to say something about how excited I am. I hardly believe thats true though. But, if you're reading this, I'm excited to meet you.
But that's definitely not the point of this post by any means.
The whole idea for this post resolves around the conversation we had and what was said. My friend said he had heard a speaker say once that we spend too much time looking toward the future that we don't realize how good we are doing at the time. At first, it was a good point. I mean, I'm doing better than I was so I don't really need to think about how happy I'll be with my wife. I should concentrate on the present. But the more I think about it, the more I think we have to concentrate on the future. We have to strive for something. And how can I not look to the future when I know that heaven is waiting for me. I mean, I'm not trying to speed up the process by any means, but I know that it's waiting for me. Sometimes, it seems like I should do something to get there. I mean, how amazing would it be to finally be permanently okay. We can't achieve that by ourselves. Pain will be gone one day. Finally, it will be gone.
"No more war,
there won't be anymore hunger,
no jealousy,
not even competition."
-Matisyahu
It's an interesting thought really. There will be peace one day.
Friday, February 23, 2007
With quiet words I'll lead you in
I wish I could heal myself. Not in a physical way, but mentally and emotionally. I never realized how great it feels to be okay until I wasn't anymore. Like the "don't know what you've got until it's gone" cliche I suppose. But when your world is totally flipped upisde down that sort of thing tends to happen. I mean, the last thing that I intended to do was hurt someone and I ended up getting hurt in the process. Just because it was an accident doesn't change that it happened and I'm still hurt about it over a month after I found out. It's the first time in my life that I can remember being sick over something that happened. Something that was totally out of my control. The who, what, where and why of pain can only make things worse. Give me no names. No place or time. No reason. I don't even want to know what actually happened. I want it erased from my mind. I want to pretend that nothing bad ever happened and I want my happy attitude back. I'm tired of crying at night for no reason in particular. Not because I'm lonely or because my grades are bad. But because I seem to only have two emotions right now. Sadness and love. Sadness that all this had to happen and that some are still being decieved and still acting the same way....okay, one. And love for all, even the undeserving, but me.
I needed this
"This is the correlation between slavation and love
don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart."
-Anberlin
I needed this
"This is the correlation between slavation and love
don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart."
-Anberlin
Thursday, February 22, 2007
This is the end of everything I am
I've never understood why my human nature leads me to hate people that I do not even know. It makes no sense. How can I really hate someone if I haven't a clue who they are. Yet, I do. And quite often as well. I don't mean to put even more distance between me and Christ. But I always do. I suppose it's even worse because of who I seem to dislike. Maybe hate is a bit too strong, but not always. The hatred always seems to come back to me. Some of the time, I take more blame than I should. But most of the time, I am the creator of my own problems. I wish with every cell in my body that this were different, but it will never be.
I guess my disdain is coming from my inability to accept that I'm actually okay right now. I seem to have myself convinced that I'm not okay and that I could be so much better. When the fact is that I have some of the best friends on earth who love me and will have my back if need be. So why do I feel so crowded and yet so alone? I suppose prayer will give me my answer and I probably already know it, but that's for another discussion.
"Don't try to wake me up even if the sun really does come out tomorrow"
-Anberlin
I guess my disdain is coming from my inability to accept that I'm actually okay right now. I seem to have myself convinced that I'm not okay and that I could be so much better. When the fact is that I have some of the best friends on earth who love me and will have my back if need be. So why do I feel so crowded and yet so alone? I suppose prayer will give me my answer and I probably already know it, but that's for another discussion.
"Don't try to wake me up even if the sun really does come out tomorrow"
-Anberlin
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