Leave it up to me to burden you again, but this one's not your fault...

I guess I need to add some background to this. Luckily, the 3 people that I'm gonna talk about here probably don't read this, but if they do, I hope they realize exactly what is going on with me. And for the record, the song lyrics have never been perfect until now.

And for the record, I can't believe I'm actually putting this out there for all my youth to read or at least have the chance to read.... here's what my life is like...

Last year at this time I had two loves in my life. Well, female loves at least. And there was a third girl who was almost in that group. She's still on that line. There's no point in using names since a lot of you know who I'll be talking about. at least for the most part. At this point I don't know where to start. This isn't interactive, so I suppose I'll just start with the non-girlfriend one. This is one is a little bit easier.

I had a best friend in high school. Someone that I enjoyed laughing with but most of all, someone I felt safe with. I guess that's what I wanted in a best friend. I think there's a theme in both relationships in that I was naive enough not to see it coming. I guess that is God's sense of humor. But anyway, back to the story. So I have this amazing best friend. And we both have issues. A lot of them and they come from different places. I think that's why we connected in the first place. We could be honest and open and we knew that we still loved each other no matter what was said. That's what I miss. I'd give anything to have that back. They say that after high school, most of your friendships fade away and you can definitely chalk this one up to that idea. However, I always thought that if two people care enough about each other, anything can work. I suppose after all the phone calls that weren't returned, I finally realized what had happened. The first person that I could ever be totally honest with without having to worry about the repercussions is gone.

I've been dreading this part of the blog since I made the decision to type it. I would like to state first that I fully accept the responsibility of what is written here. This is my account of what happened and the aftermath. This is how I feel. If any evidence is in any way misrepresented, please tell me so I can make adequate changes.

I think in a way, I'm still in love with who she was. I still love how she made me feel and I still wish I could have been better to her. But I don't want that person back. I don't know how I didn't see the break up coming. I think She just fell out of love with me, but I don't know for sure. I'm not sure if I'll ever know I had heard of that kind of thing happening, but I never thought that God would let that happen to me. I wonder if things would have been different if she had told me that. The break-up itself wasn't even the worst part. Everything that happened ever is much worse. I'm finally okay with all that. And I mean everything. Gifts that were exchanged, mistakes that were made, everything. I just hope my bitterness about everything goes away with time. There's a difference between forgiving and forgetting. It makes me wonder how God does it so easily. Very few people knew how bad I felt for having a crush on another girl a couple weeks after the break-up. I guess that's where the third girls comes in, but I'm not there yet. But no matter what happened, I was fighting for the friendship to continue. I was willing to rebuild and move on. I was a sucker the whole time. And I ended up getting things thrown in my face and having to watch the last thing I would have ever wanted to happen manifest itself while only being able to ask myself what I could do to stop it. I still felt responsible for her in a way. And maybe that was wrong of me.

That's just the backstory to what I'm about to say. This is where I finally get to say what I need to say. I'm not sure when it was that she decided to completely disregard the friendship, but I wish she would have told me. Because I fought too long and too hard for something that she knew was never going to happen. And I really want to know what the hell (sorry youth group, that's just how frustrated I am) I did to deserve the looks that I have gotten since my return to Campbell. So if you can answer this, you need to. There's no reason that anyone needs to be uncomfortable in this situation. It's best for both sides if that doesn't happen.

Unfortunately, in losing a romantic relationship, I also ended up losing a friendship in a lot of ways. I definitely lost what I needed in the friendship. And that totally sucks

One thing I'm learning is that God puts us in situations to be great. God knows exactly what we need to grow as people. I just wonder why God put these people in my life only to take them away without warning and leave me so humiliated. I'm struggling to find reason in this madness and I'm hoping this doesn't come back to haunt me...


"I'm in a car underwater with time to kill
Thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me
What hurts more is I would still die for you"

-Armor for sleep