My Biggest Struggle

I miss blogging. I really do. I'm just glad that school is over now so I can read more for pleasure and write some more blogs. I'm also going to change the way I title the individual blogs as well. I want a more "Scrubsy" feel to this thing. I'll explain why in this post. I might sneak a song quote in here every once in a while though.

The thing I find most interesting about my relationship with Jesus is that just when I feel like I'm comfortable with everything, that comfort is taken away. Shane Claiborne probably says it best when he says that Jesus came to "comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable" (Irresistible Revolution and Jesus For President). I was cruising along though. Learning new things about my faith and about myself and everything was okay. At least until my fatal flaw was revealed. I think that's why I relate to superheroes so much. They have this power but they always have some flaw that goes along with it. Not that I have special powers or anything...yet.

I'm sure that if either of the individuals I'm talking about reads this, they will try to fix whatever is wrong (I can't spoil it for you yet), but I don't want them to. I don't want an apology. I'm not doing this for one. I just want this out there. This is for me.

I'm not even going to tell the story. I wouldn't even know where to start. I've always longed for a mentor. I think this is why I relate so easily to J.D. from Scrubs. He is always trying to earn the respect of Dr. Cox. He does everything he can. That was me in youth group. I never felt like I got it though. It's so frustrating to see people who are angels in public and completely irrational and hateful in private get the respect that you've worked so diligently for. It's even worse when that person lies to your face about the whole situation.

The crazy thing is that I don't want the respect anymore. I don't. I like the people that I go to for spiritual advice. I think I have a broad spectrum of well educated and understanding friends who help me with any of my concerns about ministry or life in general.

This whole situation just knocked me on my butt though. I made myself sick over it. I guess I finally know why it had to. My biggest struggle is forgiveness. I want to forgive but I don't know if I understand all the implications of that forgiveness. It's not easy to forgive. Especially with a hurt that is so deep. I'm going to forgive. I'm not ready yet though.

Sometimes I wish it were easier to follow Jesus....