With quiet words I'll lead you in

I wish I could heal myself. Not in a physical way, but mentally and emotionally. I never realized how great it feels to be okay until I wasn't anymore. Like the "don't know what you've got until it's gone" cliche I suppose. But when your world is totally flipped upisde down that sort of thing tends to happen. I mean, the last thing that I intended to do was hurt someone and I ended up getting hurt in the process. Just because it was an accident doesn't change that it happened and I'm still hurt about it over a month after I found out. It's the first time in my life that I can remember being sick over something that happened. Something that was totally out of my control. The who, what, where and why of pain can only make things worse. Give me no names. No place or time. No reason. I don't even want to know what actually happened. I want it erased from my mind. I want to pretend that nothing bad ever happened and I want my happy attitude back. I'm tired of crying at night for no reason in particular. Not because I'm lonely or because my grades are bad. But because I seem to only have two emotions right now. Sadness and love. Sadness that all this had to happen and that some are still being decieved and still acting the same way....okay, one. And love for all, even the undeserving, but me.

I needed this

"This is the correlation between slavation and love
don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart."
-Anberlin

This is the end of everything I am

I've never understood why my human nature leads me to hate people that I do not even know. It makes no sense. How can I really hate someone if I haven't a clue who they are. Yet, I do. And quite often as well. I don't mean to put even more distance between me and Christ. But I always do. I suppose it's even worse because of who I seem to dislike. Maybe hate is a bit too strong, but not always. The hatred always seems to come back to me. Some of the time, I take more blame than I should. But most of the time, I am the creator of my own problems. I wish with every cell in my body that this were different, but it will never be.

I guess my disdain is coming from my inability to accept that I'm actually okay right now. I seem to have myself convinced that I'm not okay and that I could be so much better. When the fact is that I have some of the best friends on earth who love me and will have my back if need be. So why do I feel so crowded and yet so alone? I suppose prayer will give me my answer and I probably already know it, but that's for another discussion.

"Don't try to wake me up even if the sun really does come out tomorrow"
-Anberlin