At this point, I don't really have much to say. It's been a long time since I've written here. Probably since I haven't had much to say. Maybe I'll get around to saying something tonight or a few days later or something. Who knows.
I think the only reason I feel like getting some thoughts out tonight is because of the inner turmoil that overwhelms me. I never wanted to accept that a friendship had died. But it has. It died a long time ago. And I spent time trying to save it after it was dead. I think it's almost like a doctor digging a person up and trying to revive him. The left side of the body, which admittedly is not as strong fights for life while the right side just lays there motionless. That left side finally realizes what has happened and is totally crushed at what it has lost. Maybe it was the left side's fault all along...
Emery has a song called "Miss Behavin" that says that "hope is deceiving, it spreads like a cancer." As far as I can tell, the left side died because this cancer consumed it. So ultimately, the friendship is dead and may never be revived.
And if you're reading this, I hope you know that I tried. I really did. I just wish you had tried as hard as I did. I'm sorry I had to give up.
It feels good to get this out. Unfortunately, it probably only makes sense to me right now. And I think that's okay. And I'm okay. I have been for a while. And it's a blessing.
"She says today is gonna be the last time
and I know there's never gonna be an easy way out"
-Mat Kearney
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