Leave it up to me to burden you again, but this one's not your fault...

I guess I need to add some background to this. Luckily, the 3 people that I'm gonna talk about here probably don't read this, but if they do, I hope they realize exactly what is going on with me. And for the record, the song lyrics have never been perfect until now.

And for the record, I can't believe I'm actually putting this out there for all my youth to read or at least have the chance to read.... here's what my life is like...

Last year at this time I had two loves in my life. Well, female loves at least. And there was a third girl who was almost in that group. She's still on that line. There's no point in using names since a lot of you know who I'll be talking about. at least for the most part. At this point I don't know where to start. This isn't interactive, so I suppose I'll just start with the non-girlfriend one. This is one is a little bit easier.

I had a best friend in high school. Someone that I enjoyed laughing with but most of all, someone I felt safe with. I guess that's what I wanted in a best friend. I think there's a theme in both relationships in that I was naive enough not to see it coming. I guess that is God's sense of humor. But anyway, back to the story. So I have this amazing best friend. And we both have issues. A lot of them and they come from different places. I think that's why we connected in the first place. We could be honest and open and we knew that we still loved each other no matter what was said. That's what I miss. I'd give anything to have that back. They say that after high school, most of your friendships fade away and you can definitely chalk this one up to that idea. However, I always thought that if two people care enough about each other, anything can work. I suppose after all the phone calls that weren't returned, I finally realized what had happened. The first person that I could ever be totally honest with without having to worry about the repercussions is gone.

I've been dreading this part of the blog since I made the decision to type it. I would like to state first that I fully accept the responsibility of what is written here. This is my account of what happened and the aftermath. This is how I feel. If any evidence is in any way misrepresented, please tell me so I can make adequate changes.

I think in a way, I'm still in love with who she was. I still love how she made me feel and I still wish I could have been better to her. But I don't want that person back. I don't know how I didn't see the break up coming. I think She just fell out of love with me, but I don't know for sure. I'm not sure if I'll ever know I had heard of that kind of thing happening, but I never thought that God would let that happen to me. I wonder if things would have been different if she had told me that. The break-up itself wasn't even the worst part. Everything that happened ever is much worse. I'm finally okay with all that. And I mean everything. Gifts that were exchanged, mistakes that were made, everything. I just hope my bitterness about everything goes away with time. There's a difference between forgiving and forgetting. It makes me wonder how God does it so easily. Very few people knew how bad I felt for having a crush on another girl a couple weeks after the break-up. I guess that's where the third girls comes in, but I'm not there yet. But no matter what happened, I was fighting for the friendship to continue. I was willing to rebuild and move on. I was a sucker the whole time. And I ended up getting things thrown in my face and having to watch the last thing I would have ever wanted to happen manifest itself while only being able to ask myself what I could do to stop it. I still felt responsible for her in a way. And maybe that was wrong of me.

That's just the backstory to what I'm about to say. This is where I finally get to say what I need to say. I'm not sure when it was that she decided to completely disregard the friendship, but I wish she would have told me. Because I fought too long and too hard for something that she knew was never going to happen. And I really want to know what the hell (sorry youth group, that's just how frustrated I am) I did to deserve the looks that I have gotten since my return to Campbell. So if you can answer this, you need to. There's no reason that anyone needs to be uncomfortable in this situation. It's best for both sides if that doesn't happen.

Unfortunately, in losing a romantic relationship, I also ended up losing a friendship in a lot of ways. I definitely lost what I needed in the friendship. And that totally sucks

One thing I'm learning is that God puts us in situations to be great. God knows exactly what we need to grow as people. I just wonder why God put these people in my life only to take them away without warning and leave me so humiliated. I'm struggling to find reason in this madness and I'm hoping this doesn't come back to haunt me...


"I'm in a car underwater with time to kill
Thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me
What hurts more is I would still die for you"

-Armor for sleep

I wanna love you the best that, the best that I can

I'm frustrated.

This week has flown by without remorse. I feel like I haven't moved. The world is spinning too fast for me to keep up. I've got the worst writers block that I have ever had. I can barely pick up a pencil. I'm even struggling to speak. But what's worst of all is that I don't even care.

Oh the irony and apathy.

With all that being said though, I feel like I've taken the biggest steps in my life this week. LOVE IS MY ONLY CONCERN

Now if I could just put that down on paper...

"I'm mixed in this truth my trouble
I'll rest in your arms for awhile
Say you love me
because when I wake up dear
You'll just be an angel and I'm gonna cry"
-Chris Thile

Well I'll stack all my books in perfect rows from the biggest down to the smallest ones

For my evening lesson on Sunday, I decided to dissect a couple of my favorite songs in hopes of providing the youth with music that makes them think about they way they're living. The songs I chose were "Girl America" and "What's a Boy to do?" by Mat Kearney off of his Nothing Left to Lose album.

"Girl America" is a fantastic song. I have played it for people before and it is always leads to the same discussion. This discussion is about how relevant the song is. The song speaks about sex, drugs, alcohol and the obsession with the supermodel body. It's mostly about how those things are part of what Americans are told to be and that's why it applies to everyone.

As much as I love this country and I feel blessed to have been born here, I can't help but be disgusted by the amount of pressure put on teenagers and young adults to be or act a certain way. It's the reason we need organizations like To Write Love on Her Arms (which is a amazing organization and one I support, but we shouldn't have to have it).

The best part of the song is the final verse because throughout the song, Mat sings about how this girl is looking for hope and that he's watching her fight for every breath. When he gets to the final verse, he tells "Girl America" that her hope can be found in Christ. That Christ is her ultimate redemption and that He can give her the fresh start that she's looking for.

We also spoke briefly about "What's a Boy to do?" I most talked about how it's the story of a life that is led by a lot of people. The boy in the song is looking for someone to tell him who he is. He looks to his friends and they are too busy with their own things to worry about his problems. Then he looks to his father for guidance, but his father isn't there for him so he's kind of just drifting. And he finally realizes that he's missing something but doesn't figure out what it is that he's missing until the very end of the song. He then points to Christ as his hope and what he was looking for all along.

I've been a Christian for about 7 years now and I'm still trying to figure out who I am and how I fit into the scheme of things. I still don't even know who Jesus really is. He is who He said He is, but He's so much more. That's the interesting thing about Jesus. His character has been revealed over time, but there's still so much more. I know we'll never figure out exactly who Jesus is while we're on earth and I can't wait to understand everything.

I am "Boy America"

What is this? Hey what's the deal? I don't sleep around and I don't steal...

I have never been so confused in my life. I've always been told that thinking about things just screws everything up. It's never been more true than now.

Jesus says and does some radical things in the New Testament. That's for sure. He speaks about being "born again," he speaks of women's rights way before the idea was even conceived, and he hung out with tax collectors (who were even more despised at the time than Barry Bonds is now, and they didn't even do steroids). Jesus saves his most radical statement for a rich young man who wants to follow him:

Mark 10: 21(NIV) says "Jesus looked at him and loved him. 'One thing you lack,' he said. 'Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'"

This guy wanted to follow Jesus. He wanted to inherit eternal life. So he asked Jesus what he has to do. Jesus' response is to follow the commandments. The rich young man responds in a way I think most Christians would respond. He says that he's kept those commandments as best he could. And then Jesus drops the bomb. Sell everything you have and give it to the poor.

What am I doing with this verse? What can I do with this verse?

I think I'm so confused because I've never heard a sermon on selling everything you have and giving it to the poor. We've been spoiled by America. America is about success. How much money do you have? What kind of car do you drive? How big is your house? Where do you buy your clothes? When I was in middle school, all the "cool" kids wore Abercrombie and Fitch clothes. It was how they measured themselves I suppose. I have some rich family members who drive Lexus vehicles and live in big houses. It's how they measure themselves against everyone else. I buy Lucky Brand Jeans, Rainbow sandals, Puma shoes, Fossil watches, and Hurley t-shirts. It's how I measure myself....I suppose.

I've been reading Shane Claiborne's Irresistible Revolution and he emphasizes this verse a lot. The book thus far is about this verse. But he makes it seem like this verse is the only way to find Jesus, and that's what I'm struggling with. I just don't feel called to sell everything I own and give it to the poor. I don't feel called to give up all my financial security. And maybe it's because I don't trust God like I should or maybe it's because God created me for something different. I mean, even if I did, I wouldn't know who to give the money to. It's not like homeless people are the most trustworthy people on the planet. And it's not like I see the homeless all the time. Holly Springs isn't exactly the "hobo hotspot" of NC.

What am I supposed to do with this verse? Maybe I was created to tell people to follow it. And maybe cut down on my spending a little bit so I can give a little more.

"Come on and follow me
but sell your house, sell your SUV,
sell your stocks, sell your security
and give it to the poor"
-Derek Webb

Viva Revolution

How long must I always remember all that want to forget?

There are so many things I don't understand. Many of which will come about later I'm sure. One, however, seems to be at the forefront. I cannot understand why I am finally over a past relationship, but I have no desire to date. I refuse to settle. I'm just trying to find someone that fits me. With all that said, I can't help but feel an intense loneliness. It reminds me too much of high school. I mean, I'm happy aside from this. I suppose I must focus on the good to overcome what is plaguing me.

Would it be too much to throw a little female companionship my way though?

"Take my hands and eyes, but I beg you this:
Offer me one kiss."
-Emery

Well half way down is half way out of here.

At this point, I don't really have much to say. It's been a long time since I've written here. Probably since I haven't had much to say. Maybe I'll get around to saying something tonight or a few days later or something. Who knows.

I think the only reason I feel like getting some thoughts out tonight is because of the inner turmoil that overwhelms me. I never wanted to accept that a friendship had died. But it has. It died a long time ago. And I spent time trying to save it after it was dead. I think it's almost like a doctor digging a person up and trying to revive him. The left side of the body, which admittedly is not as strong fights for life while the right side just lays there motionless. That left side finally realizes what has happened and is totally crushed at what it has lost. Maybe it was the left side's fault all along...

Emery has a song called "Miss Behavin" that says that "hope is deceiving, it spreads like a cancer." As far as I can tell, the left side died because this cancer consumed it. So ultimately, the friendship is dead and may never be revived.

And if you're reading this, I hope you know that I tried. I really did. I just wish you had tried as hard as I did. I'm sorry I had to give up.

It feels good to get this out. Unfortunately, it probably only makes sense to me right now. And I think that's okay. And I'm okay. I have been for a while. And it's a blessing.

"She says today is gonna be the last time
and I know there's never gonna be an easy way out"
-Mat Kearney

"And with your final heartbeat, kiss the world goodbye...

...then go in peace and laugh on glory's side"

I was talking with a friend the other day and I made a comment about how excited I was to find find the woman I wish to spend the rest of my life with. I haven't found her yet, but the idea that I have the potential to do so. To know that she's out there is such an amazing thought. I've always wondered if she already knows that she wants to marry me, but just hasn't told me yet. Like she's waiting for me to say something about how excited I am. I hardly believe thats true though. But, if you're reading this, I'm excited to meet you.

But that's definitely not the point of this post by any means.

The whole idea for this post resolves around the conversation we had and what was said. My friend said he had heard a speaker say once that we spend too much time looking toward the future that we don't realize how good we are doing at the time. At first, it was a good point. I mean, I'm doing better than I was so I don't really need to think about how happy I'll be with my wife. I should concentrate on the present. But the more I think about it, the more I think we have to concentrate on the future. We have to strive for something. And how can I not look to the future when I know that heaven is waiting for me. I mean, I'm not trying to speed up the process by any means, but I know that it's waiting for me. Sometimes, it seems like I should do something to get there. I mean, how amazing would it be to finally be permanently okay. We can't achieve that by ourselves. Pain will be gone one day. Finally, it will be gone.

"No more war,
there won't be anymore hunger,
no jealousy,
not even competition."
-Matisyahu

It's an interesting thought really. There will be peace one day.